


What We Deserve

by banditopml



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-30 00:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15740205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banditopml/pseuds/banditopml
Summary: Phil Lester is an aspiring filmmaker from Manchester who moves to London to pursue his dream. After putting up an application online for a roommate, he meets 19-year-old Daniel Howell. Daniel is socially awkward and, from what Phil can tell, extremely anxious. He also comes bearing secrets and mysteries that Phil can't seem to figure out. Strangely enough, Phil develops an odd fascination with him, and the two form a connection neither of them expected.





	1. Chapter 1

Icy December air exhaled from Phil’s mouth as he tiredly plodded down the sidewalk, carrying his groceries he had just purchased at the market. He had been in town since that morning, and it didn’t help that he was the furthest thing from a morning person. But he knew the job he had landed would be worth it in the end. Granted, he was just a set production assistant, but he had to start somewhere. 

At least, that was what his brother had told him when Phil rang him about the news. Martyn was already nearing a promotion where he would be in the senior management of his company. Phil wanted to be on his level, and he was originally disappointed that this was all he was given. 

“I started as an unpaid intern,” Martyn had laughed on the other line. “Everyone starts somewhere, bro. Don’t sweat it. Give it a few years and you’ll be in the director’s seat.” That had managed to comfort Phil. He was getting paid, at least. He had been expecting to receive one of the best jobs in town after studying for five years to get his film degree. Looking back, he was annoyed with how naive he was.

Phil’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he paused his walking so he could set one of his bags down to check his messages. As he skimmed over the words on his screen, his eyes widened just slightly. A couple months ago, before he moved into his apartment, he put up an application on a website he trusted for a flatmate. Phil claimed he wanted a flatmate because apartments in London were expensive, but Martyn had pointed out, several times, that it was actually because Phil had a fear of living alone.

He had argued with Martyn at the time, but he moved into the apartment a few days ago and had to stay alone for a bit and he was terrified. His brother couldn’t resist the “I told you so” when Phil called him at two in the morning because he heard a noise in his kitchen.

The roommate that he ended up deciding on was someone named Daniel Howell, from Reading. After chatting with him for a bit, he learned that he was 19, just graduated from secondary school, and his parents were pushing him out of the house. He didn’t seem interested in attending university, but it also didn’t seem that he had much of a plan.

But Daniel had mentioned to him that he liked Muse and anime, so he made his decision, and he knew it was the right one.

When he checked his phone, he was greeted with a new message that he wasn’t expecting for another three days.

New Message: Daniel Howell  
Hi, hope I’m not too early, but I’m outside the apartment. 4C, right? I don’t think you’re here, but I knocked a few times anyway.

Before he could reply, he received a follow up message.

New Message: Daniel Howell  
I mean, I didn’t mean to assume you were ignoring me or anything. I just thought I’d text until I knocked anymore. 

He opened the messages and hit the keyboard so he could reply, but he received yet another message as he began to type.

New Message: Daniel Howell  
I can’t exactly leave. I don’t have anywhere else to go. Sorry if I’m bothering you. 

Phil frowned in concern. What did he mean by that? Couldn’t he go to his parents? Daniel didn’t seem to have anything else to add, so he typed out his reply.

To: Daniel Howell  
Hey. I was at work earlier, then I stopped by the market to grab a few things. I was actually just heading back. Have you been waiting long?

Phil bent down to pick his bag back up, but his phone buzzed again. It had been literally five seconds. How had he managed to reply so quick?

New Message: Daniel Howell  
Um, not too long. About ten minutes. I wanted to wait until I texted you, in case you were busy. Sorry.  
He opted to not reply and just deal with the situation as he arrived back home. He was only about three minutes away from the building anyway. He couldn’t help but feel concern for him, so he sped up his walking pace as he continued down the path.  
…………  
Just as he had said, Daniel was standing outside Phil’s apartment, 4C. His arms were crossed and he leaned against the wall, looking around feverishly. He had straight, brown hair that was groomed to the left of his face. His eye color seemed to match his hair, although it was hard to be certain until Phil had reached him. He was wearing a shirt that seemed to have an anime reference, and a black jacket draped over his shoulders, and he was sporting a pair of black skinny jeans.

He oddly didn’t have any luggage with him, but in his hand he was tightly gripping onto a small stuffed blue bear. Phil wasn’t sure if it was adorable or concerning that this was all he had with him. 

When he got close enough, he opened his mouth to greet his new roommate, but Daniel’s head snapped up seconds before he could. “Um, hi,” Daniel straightened up, uncrossing his arms. “I-I know I said I’d be here in a f-few days, but, um, s-something came up. So I-I’m here now. Hi.”  


Immediately after he spoke those words, Daniel recoiled and took a step back. “I’m-I’m not, um, i-inconveniencing you by being here so soon, am I? I can find somewhere else to s-stay. I’ve got a few thousand pounds with me, so I-I could find a hotel...”

Phil shook his head, and the younger boy silenced. “No, no, don’t worry about it. I was actually getting tired of staying alone, honestly,” he said, and Daniel seemed to relax a little. 

“Um, okay, good. D-do you need help with those bags? It, uh, seems like y-you’ve got your hands full.”

“That’d be great, thanks,” Phil sighed in relief as Dan took two of the bags he had been carrying. It freed one of his hands so he could reach into his pockets and pull out his apartment key. It was accompanied by several keychains he had picked out, including one of Totoro and the ‘B’ from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  


He inserted the key and unlocked the door with ease, strolling inside the apartment. Phil turned to his new roommate, who had entered himself and began tentatively glancing around. “I have a key for you in my room. I’ll go get it when I’ve put the food away.”

“I-I’ll help!” Daniel offered, perking up. He sat the bags down on the counter and reached in to grab the milk and cereal. He looked at the box and a smile stretched on his face. “Crunchy Nut is my favorite kind of cereal.”

“Oh, yeah?” Phil responded, placing the bread and assorted boxes into the cabinets. “I’d been eating Lucky Charms for a while and decided to try something new.” Daniel handed him the cereal box and Phil sat it next to the bread. He reached over to grab the milk. “So, uh, Daniel...” Phil began, opening up the refrigerator.

“Y-you can just call me Dan. If you want. B-but if you prefer calling me Daniel, that’s cool. Just thought that Dan might be easier,” the younger cut him off, tapping his fingers on the counter. Phil paused. Why did he immediately backtrack, as if Phil would be offended by the offer? 

Regardless, he nodded. “Okay, Dan. I was just wondering if you had any luggage you brought with you? I only noticed you carrying the stuffed bear you had...”  


Phil shoved the milk into the back of the refrigerator, and turned around to see Dan gripping the bear in his hand even tighter. It was small enough so nearly the entire bear fit in his hand, but Dan was holding the bear by the body. 

A crimson shade took over Dan’s face and he looked away. “I- uh, didn’t exactly have time to pack, so I just… grabbed this...” His voice faded into a mumble, and Phil waited for him to continue. He didn’t.

After a few heartbeats, Phil said, “Can I ask why you didn’t have time? Were you rushed?” He leaned against the counter just slightly, as though the counter could break. Well, it could. This wasn’t the best apartment in London.

Dan audibly swallowed. “Uh, well, s-something came up, and I had to leave immediately. I t-took the train from Reading, and… just followed the address you gave me.”

Phil noticed how increasingly uncomfortable Dan had grown in the conversation. “So, you don’t have anything?” He furrowed his eyebrows. Did his parents kick him out and leave him with nothing?

“I have about three and a half t-thousand pounds that I saved from a summer job last year, and other l-little jobs I'd have,” Dan shrugged. “A-and the bear, of course.”

“No spare clothes? No phone?” Phil was flabbergasted. How was the poor lad supposed to manage? Dan clumsily reached into his back pocket and pulled out a basic flip phone. It looked like it could’ve been made in 2003. Right, Dan was texting him, wasn’t he?

“I-I used to have a smartphone, but...” he stopped, as though he suddenly decided not to explain further. Instead, he continued, “It’s, um, more of a burner phone? The number I gave you, it’s only temporary. Only you have it, actually.” Phil hesitated, then dared to ask his following question.

“Don’t you have anyone else that you need to keep in touch with? Like your parents?”

Dan’s face immediately grew dark. He crossed his arms again, resting the bear in the crook of his arm. “T-they don’t want to keep in touch with me. N-not anymore.”

Silence fell between the boys. Phil didn’t know what to say. He had a hunch that his parents had kicked him out, but he didn’t know for sure. Phil pursed his lips at the silence. He didn’t know what to do now. Dan looked back up at him and a look of panic flashed on his face and he uncrossed his arms. “Oh! I-I’m sorry, I made this awkward...”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Phil tried, but he knew he lacked the right words in this situation. He didn’t know Dan that well yet. He wanted to say all the right things and make Dan feel better, but what could he say? Phil had never been in a situation like this. “I, uh, have some clothes in my room if you want to take a shower or something?” He figured they had similar clothing sizes, so until Dan could get some more, he could just wear what Phil had. 

Dan seemed surprise at the offer. “A-are you sure? I don’t, um, want to be a burden or anything.” Phil waved the comment off with his hand, a small smile on his face. “Not at all! Come on, I’ll help you get some. I’ll even give you your key while we’re there.”  
…………  
The sound of the apartment’s shower echoed into Phil’s room. Phil helped pick out a plaid shirt that he hadn’t worn in a while, and some skinny jeans that were similar to the pair Dan had. Dan had thanked him several times, and Phil just shrugged his words off, claiming that it was nothing. Now, he was tidying his room up. He carefully and neatly stacked his manga collection and trashed the chocolate wrappers that littered his floor. As he did this, he heard a familiar ringing in his ear. He sharply turned and noticed he was receiving a FaceTime call on his laptop.

He quickly hit ‘answer’ after reading over the name, and within seconds he was met with the face of his brother. “Hey, how was...” Martyn paused, and narrowed his eyes. “Who the hell is taking a shower?”

“It’s Dan, my roommate,” Phil answered nonchalantly, plopping down into his computer chair and spinning slightly, just for the amusement. 

Martyn didn’t seem convinced. “But you said he wasn’t supposed to arrive until later this week?” 

Another face popped into the frame, giving him a smile. “Hi, Phil!”

“Hi, Cornelia,” Phil greeted back with a wave and a smile to match hers. Cornelia was Martyn’s longterm girlfriend. They’d been together so long Phil could hardly remember a time when they weren’t. Her short, red hair was curled, peering at the edge of her forehead. He could tell that the two of them had laid down for the evening. 

Martyn frowned suspiciously. “Hmm, no, don’t avoid my question, little brother. You said your roommate would be there Friday.”

“I did say that.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

Phil bit his lip. He didn’t feel like Dan would appreciate him telling Martyn the reason that he showed up early. Granted, Dan didn’t exactly tell him either, but it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. “He said something came up. He’s here now.”

“Damn. I thought you were getting some ass.”

“Mar--!”

“Oh, leave him alone,” Cornelia chastised, slapping her boyfriend’s shoulder. Martyn grunted, disappointed. 

“Fine, fine. How was work today?” Feeling more comfortable with the subject change, Phil spoke clearly with details from his experience at work. 

“It was pretty good, I suppose. I don’t know too much about the show that they’re filming, but I brought a coffee to Martin Freeman today. So that was the highlight of my life.”

As the conversation tilted back and forth, Phil didn’t hear the shower turn off. He didn’t notice that Dan had finished his shower, until Dan walked in running a towel through his dripping hair, plaid shirt clinging to his body. “Hi, I, um...” Dan started, pulling the towel down to reveal a messy head of curly hair. “Who are you, uh, talking to?”

Phil spun around in his desk chair. “Oh, hey! Did you have a nice shower?” Phil didn’t want Dan to feel like he didn’t take him seriously or that he was treating him like a child, but after what Dan had said earlier, he felt that he needed to be gentle towards him. It didn’t seem like he had a very good day.  
Dan nodded, eyes still on the laptop behind him. “Y-yeah, thanks...” Phil could tell he was nervous knowing someone he didn’t know was listening to them.  


It probably didn’t help that, in that moment, Martyn decided to shout, “Is he wearing your clothes? You DID get some ass!”

“Martyn!” Phil spun back around, horrified. Of course, he went unnoticed as Martyn threw his head back in laughter, despite Cornelia hitting his shoulder several times, scolding him. Phil sighed and turned back to Dan, whose face was beet red and he looked probably more embarrassed than Phil was. “I-I’m sorry, that’s my brother, he… he likes to make fun of me sometimes,” Phil mumbled. 

Hearing these words, Dan seemed to actually… become interested? “Oh, he’s your brother?”

Phil nodded in the direction of his laptop. Martyn had stopped laughing and was trying to talk over his girlfriend scolding him, claiming, “Come on! I couldn’t not say anything!” His voice was still laced with amusement.

“Yeah, Martyn. And his girlfriend, Cornelia.” Phil introduced. 

Cornelia paused what she was doing and turned back to the camera. “Hello! Are you Daniel?” she smiled. Martyn grumbled as he rubbed his shoulder.

Dan shuffled on his feet nervously, realizing everyone was waiting on him to reply. “Y-yeah, um, you can call me Dan, i-if you want...” He looked over at Phil, almost nervously.

Martyn waved. “Hi, I’m Martyn. Word of advice: Phil’s afraid of most things. So at three in the morning, he’ll probably come in your room afraid of a shadow he saw. He did that a lot to me growing up, so watch out.”

“Thank you, Martyn,” Phil said through grit teeth and an eye roll. Dan giggled softly, pulling at the end of the sleeves on his shirt. 

Cornelia took over the camera to introduce herself. “Hi, Dan! I’m Cornelia. It’s lovely to meet you!” Her personality shined so brightly that it was almost blinding. Phil used to always wonder how his brother got so lucky. Then, as time went on and he spent more time with the both of them, he could actually understand their connection. 

That didn’t mean he wasn’t jealous that Martyn had found someone he connected with so well.

Dan shyly waved in return. “H-hello. Nice to, um, meet you, too.” He paused, as if he was thinking of something else he wanted to add. Then, he spoke, “Your brother is, um, super nice. He gave me these clothes to wear and he’s… he’s been really kind today.”

Not expecting the high praise, Phil felt his face heat up and his chest swell. With his pale skin, he knew it was obvious that he was blushing and there was nothing he could do to hide it. He could practically see the huge ass grin on Martyn’s face right about now, but he was avoiding looking at the screen.

“Phil is very sweet,” Cornelia chirped, either not taking note of Phil or choosing to ignore it. Either way, the comments from both of them weren’t making him feel much better. He actually wanted Martyn to say something teasing to release him from this embarrassment.

Of course, Martyn wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to embarrass him further. “I don’t think I could have a better brother,” he spoke, a disgusting amount of love dripping in his voice. There was no doubt he was wearing the biggest smirk on his face. Phil wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

“Um, thanks,” he coughed, hoping the moment would pass. He was never good with receiving excessive amounts of compliments. He didn’t really think that highly of himself. Thankfully, the conversation had to come to an end. 

“We actually have to turn in early. Martyn’s got a project at work he’s working on and he has to show up an hour earlier that usual,” Cornelia said, followed by an annoyed groan from her boyfriend next to her. “Hope you have a great day at work tomorrow, Phil! And it was great to meet you, Dan!”  
“Yeah, goodnight, nerds,” Martyn waved.

“Goodnight!” Phil was eager to have the conversation come to an end, before anyone could say he had a nice smile or something.

“Y-you too!” Dan stuttered, but for once, his smile showed that he was actually happy with the interaction. Phil moved his mouse to click the ‘end call’ button. When he hung up, he threw himself back in his chair and sighed. He ran his hands over his face, trying to make the redness go away.

Dan hummed from behind him. “They seemed nice.” His voice was barely above a whisper. Phil leaned back further in his desk chair. “Yeah. Martyn can be a little irritating at times, but I guess that’s just the sibling curse,” he shrugged. “But Cornelia’s probably one of the nicest people I know. I feel like I could go to her about anything, and she’d know exactly what to say.”

“Hmm. Siblings are nice to have,” Dan spoke thoughtfully, as if he was more talking out loud than to Phil. 

Phil spun around in his chair to directly face him. “Do you have any siblings, Dan?”

The question seemed to catch him off guard. His head snapped up from his previous downward position. Phil could see several flash emotions through his eyes. His eyebrows lowered slightly as he waited for a response. Finally, Dan closed his eyes for a moment, then answered.

“No, I don’t.”

A moment of silence passed through them as Phil waited to see if he would continue. He didn’t. 

Feeling like Phil might’ve struck a nerve, he quickly backtracked. “I’m… I’m sorry, did I overstep?”

“No!” Dan shook his head quickly. He bent down to pick up the towel that he had accidentally dropped onto the floor. “Y-you didn’t… overstep anything. It’s okay. I just… don’t have any siblings, is all,” Dan shrugged. “Do you, um, want me to put this anywhere?” 

“You can just toss it back into the bathroom,” Phil advised, and Dan left the room to follow the instructions. 

Phil felt a little weird after that encounter. The look in Dan’s eyes when he was presented with such a normal question seemed almost frightening. Not in the way that Phil thought Dan was going to murder him or anything, but more in the way that Dan himself was frightened.

It was a simple question, wasn’t it? If the answer was simply ‘no,’ why did it take Dan nearly thirty seconds to come to that conclusion? And why didn’t his parents want to keep in touch with him? Who was this kid’s family, exactly? 

Phil wanted to scream out in frustration. Partially because he wanted to have all the answers, and also because he was frustrated with himself for becoming so invested in someone he just met today. 

His thoughts were cut short when Dan walked slowly back into the room, gently pushing the door wider so he could step inside. “Um, is it okay to ask… which room mine is?”

“Yeah, of course it is, why wouldn’t it be?” Phil stood up from his chair and neatly pushed it back underneath his chair. Before he could forget, he reached over onto his desk and swiped the apartment key from its position underneath his lamp. He handed it to Dan, who seemed surprised.  
“What? I told you I’d give you your key!” Phil told him, placing it into the palm of Dan’s hand. Dan’s hand instinctively closed and his fingers wrapped around the key. 

“Um, thanks,” Dan mumbled, dropping his arm. Phil decided to let this odd moment pass and not dwell on it and instead show Dan his room. He left his room and waved for Dan to follow him.

“So, it’s pretty basic,” he confessed, leading his new roommate down a few steps in the hallway. “Just a bed and like, a dresser.” Dan walked behind him in silence. Phil continued, “But, you know, it’s your room now, so you could just do whatever you like with it,” he stopped and tapped the bedroom door with his hand a couple of times. 

Dan gripped the doorknob and turned it slowly. The door made a ‘click’ noise and opened, revealing just what Phil had said. An ordinary, twin sized bed was in the far left side corner of the room, and on the right side of the room sat a dresser. Dan looked around for a moment, then turned back to Phil with a polite smile on his face. “It’s nice, thanks.”

“You hate it.”

“W-what?” 

Phil crossed his arms and shook his head. “You don’t have to pretend to like it, Dan,” he sighed, leaning against the door frame. Dan shook his head rapidly, desperate to convince Phil the opposite.

“B-but I do, I promise!” He walked into the room and ran his hand on the dresser, his face going blank for few seconds. Then, he came back to reality. “It’s great, Phil. Thank you.”

Phil uncrossed his arms and stood straight. So they were going to ignore that moment as well? “All right, you convinced me. Are you turning in? Do you have a job you need to be at tomorrow?” Dan, once again, remained silent as he seemed to ponder the question.

Finally, he said, “Um, no… b-but don’t worry! I’ve got enough money for my half of six months of rent, s-so please don’t kick me out!” He was once again facing Phil, with pleading eyes. Phil was shocked at the sudden plea, and Phil felt a turn in his stomach in sympathy for him.

“Hey, relax, I’m not going to kick you out,” Phil began, and Dan seemed to calm down. His shoulders slacked and he released a breath Phil didn’t even see he was holding. “It’s fine, okay? It’ll all work out.” He tried to keep the other boy from freaking out too much. He seemed like he was always on edge. 

Dan nodded. “Right, sorry. I-I’ll try and find a job as soon as possible, I promise,” he tried desperately to reassure Phil. Phil, however, wasn’t bothered. 

“Don’t worry about me, okay? Just worry about you,” Phil told him. He knew that he wasn’t supposed to tell Dan not to worry. He knew that he was supposed to tell him to just make sure he paid his half of the rent. That was the point of having a roommate, right? 

But looking at Dan freak out at the possibility that Phil would just throw him out without blinking once, he decided he could just say what he thought Dan needed to hear. He was sure Dan would get a job anyway and he’d be perfectly fine. 

Being content with this, Phil began making his way back towards the door. “I’ve got to be on set tomorrow about nine, so I’m going to head to bed.”

“Set?”

Dammit.

Phil cursed himself for not being more specific. Now Dan probably thought he was some famous movie star or director or something. “Ahh, yeah… I’m just an assistant on the set, though. Nothing exciting,” Phil chuckled, afraid that he had just crushed Dan’s entire hopes of knowing someone famous and he probably viewed him as some loser who just brings people coffee…

“That’s really cool,” Dan said, leaning against his bed post. “I wish… I wish I could do something that special.”

“It’s… I’m just an assistant, Dan,” Phil corrected, but the tips of his lips curled up anyway. It was the first time someone actually thought his position was interesting, instead of viewing him as a janitor or something.

Dan shook his head. “Y-you get to work on set and s-see the actors and help out w-with any job t-they need you too, right?” He sat down on his bed, feeling the covers and the softness of the mattress. He traced the seams with his fingers. “T-that’s pretty cool, Phil.”

Again, Phil wasn’t good with praise. He could feel his neck beginning to heat up and he glanced away. “Um, well, thanks,” he uttered, inhaling sharply. “I… I have a degree in film, I want to be a director or something, but this is where I’m starting.”

Dan nodded, now tracing the simple pattern of the blanket. “I know. Y-you mentioned that when we were talking o-online.” Suddenly, he stopped tracing and looked back up at Phil, a look of panic on his face. “O-oh, I’m sorry, t-that sounded creepy, didn’t it?”

“That you remembered a conversation we had? Not at all.” Phil couldn’t quite understand Dan. He seemed mysterious, and for some reason, that had intrigued him. He wanted to know everything about him. He wanted to know all the secrets he seemed to be keeping, his favorite movie, his favorite dish to eat, his dreams and goals in life…

Wow. Now who’s sounding creepy?

Phil discreetly shook his head to dismiss these thoughts that had invaded his mind. “I should really go to bed. If anything comes up, you can just come wake  
me up. I’m not a morning person but if it’s an emergency, I’m just a few doors over, all right?”

Dan nodded. Phil started to make his way out the door, but he glanced over at his new roommate one last time. “Um, goodnight.” Dan looked up, and softly smiled at him.

“G-goodnight,” he replied, and Phil gently closed the door as he left. He felt like a parent or something as he did that, so he shook his head and made his way toward his bathroom to begin his nightly routine before climbing into bed.  
…………  
3:19 a.m.

What actually woke Phil up wasn’t the careful poking, or the soft “Phil” in his ear. No, he was actually awoken moments before this.

What woke Phil up was the gentle creaking of his door as it opened. His heart lurched, forgetting his new roommate and thinking he had a break in. He was going to die, right there, where he was laying in his bed. He held his breath, hoping maybe playing dead would scare away the intruder. 

He was just woken up at three in the morning. He’s not thinking normally.

He listened as the person crept closer to his bed. Each step seemed to take two or three seconds to make. Then, he felt a gentle poke on his shoulder. “...Phil?”

Oh. Dan. 

“Phil?” The voice rose from a whisper to a low voice. The voice was thick with fear. Had he seen something Phil hadn’t seen yet? Phil turned over, blinking as his eyes began to regain focus. 

“Hmm?” he grunted. Dan stood in front of him, still dressed in the clothes Phil had leant him. His hair was messy as if he had also been sleeping. As he retracted his hand once he noticed Phil was now awake, he crossed his arms across his chest.

“I-I’m sorry, I know y-you have work in the morning, a-and this is super childish, but...” his voice trailed off, so he took a breath to steady himself. “I know this is going to be hard to understand, b-but… I c-can’t sleep.”

Phil raised his head off of his pillow. “Why?” he drawled, stretching his arms out as he sat up. Was it the fact that he was in a new place, and he didn’t really know Phil too well?

Instead, Dan’s crossed arms seem to become tighter. “This is going to sound c-childish, but… I k-keep having nightmares,” he muttered. Phil wasn’t sure if he had heard him. He rubbed at his eyes and let out a yawn, so he could give Dan his full attention.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

It was hard to see Dan in the dark. But after the pause that followed the question, Phil could only assume he looked similar to when Phil asked the sibling question. In response, Dan said, “I… not really. I just...” he trailed off.

“You… what? It’s okay, you can tell me,” Phil was now sitting straight up in his bed. He was now awake enough to focus completely on the conversation.  


Dan sighed loud enough for Phil to hear. “Y-you can say no to this if y-you’re not comfortable, but, um...” Phil understood. He couldn’t help a little laugh to escape his throat.

“Dan, are you asking if you want to sleep in my bed?”

He heard Dan take a few steps backward, alarmed. “W-well, I sleep b-better when someone’s w-with me. B-but I know you don’t know me v-very well, so if you… you don’t… I can...”

“Dan, breathe, it’s okay,” Phil reached over and turned on the light. He noticed the tear streaks on Dan’s face. Whatever nightmares he was having was really bothering him. “My bed’s bigger than yours anyway. There’s plenty of space.”

Dan looked over, still wary. “A-are you sure you’re com-comfortable?” In truth, Phil normally wouldn’t be comfortable. He’d only ever shared a bed with his brother when they were kids. He’d been in relationships, with boyfriends and girlfriends. They’d never shared a bed, oddly enough. Even when they'd have sex, they wouldn't spend the night together. Maybe he’d never been in a relationship serious enough, as none of them lasted more than a year.

But knowing that Dan had been suffering in his room alone made him feel a lot differently. So he shook his head. “It’s fine. Like I said, this bed is big enough.” He yawned as soon as he finished his sentence.

Dan hesitated as if Phil would suddenly change his mind, then he cautiously climbed into the bed and slid next to him. Phil placed his head back on his pillow, waiting for Dan to push himself underneath the blankets before covering himself again. “If-if you decide you don’t want me here anymore I’ll...”

“You can stay, Dan,” Phil comforted, feeling his eyes start to flutter again. 

As he began to slip into the unconsciousness of sleep once again, he heard Dan softly say, “Thank you.” 

Phil was asleep before he could offer a reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil was the furthest thing from a morning person you could get.

In school, he always slept in until the last minute when Martyn forcibly dragged him out of bed. After Martyn graduated and Phil still had a few years, he tried to train himself. He always failed, though, and his mum would always be the one to wake him up. He was probably the only teenager in the school who still had his mother waking him up in the morning.

Then he went to university. Neither Martyn nor his mother was there to get him out of bed. Sometimes one of his housemates would come check on him to make sure he was ready for classes, but most of the time he just prayed he would be up in time. A few times, he recalled not just sleeping in late for the class, but he would sleep completely through the class. Nothing was more terrifying then checking your phone when you wake up in the morning to find that your class ended twenty minutes ago.

Somehow, he made it through university and found him a nice job… that started at nine in the morning. He tried not to be frustrated about it. He tried to accept it. And so far, he’s been doing a decent job. He’d been getting to work completely on time, doing his job for the day, and then coming home to either FaceTime Martyn or play a video game or watch a show on Netflix. He had an interesting life.

Even as he had been waking up in time, usually at seven-thirty, he was still hating his life when he heard his alarm go off. He would groan, grab his phone, and hit snooze. So he had an alarm set for seven-thirty, but he usually stayed in bed until about eight. This morning was no different.  
He heard his alarm – which was set to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song – and he reached over lazily to grab his phone. He hit snooze, and without a second thought slumped his head back into his pillow. He heard shuffling from the other side of his bed. Right, Dan had joined him in the middle of the night, didn’t he?

He heard Dan gently and quietly remove himself from the bed and exit his room. Phil didn’t think much of it. He was probably going to the bathroom. Instead, Phil decided to focus on how soft his pillow was feeling right now. 

Ten minutes had passed and he heard his alarm again. He groaned once more. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, contemplating if he should just quit his job and move in with Martyn. He eventually decided that his brother would probably be very upset if Phil quit to become dependent on Martyn and Cornelia, so he reached over to turn his phone off and get ready for the day.

As he began to sit up, Dan re-entered the room. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and when he noticed Phil was awake, he jumped slightly, the coffee sloshing around inside the cup. “Oh, you’re awake,” he spoke.

“Sadly,” Phil mumbled, rubbing at his face. Dan stood awkwardly for a few seconds then approached Phil hesitantly and reached his arm out in Phil’s direction, offering him the coffee. Phil looked at it for a few seconds, then back up at Dan, who began rubbing his extended arm at the look of confusion Phil was giving him.

“You, um, mentioned o-online that you hate mornings, so I made you some coffee, b-because you said coffee helps wake you up in the morning,” he explained. Phil raised his eyebrows. He made him coffee? “If it’s n-not made how you like it, t-that’s okay! I-I’m sorry, I j-just wanted to do s-something nice because y-you’ve been really nice to me...”

Phil wrapped his fingers around the warm mug and brought the cup to his lips, sipping slowly. It tasted… quite good. Not like how he normally makes it, but somehow better. He was almost offended that Dan was better at making coffee than him. “It’s great, Dan. Thank you.”

Dan seemed to light up at the gratitude. “Do you want b-breakfast? I can make some crunchy nut…”

“You’ve already made me coffee, Dan, you don’t have to...”

“I-I want to!” Dan argued with a dismissive shake of his head. “P-please?” Phil found it quite amusing and cute that Dan was asking to make him breakfast. Did he think they were married?

Shit, he has to stop surprising himself with these random thoughts. He cleared his throat and took another sip of his coffee to try and forget the whole ‘married’ thought. “Uh, if you want, I’d really appreciate it. But you don’t...”

Dan had already turned and eagerly left the room. Phil exhaled out of amusement and sat his coffee on his bedside table. He pulled off his shirt that he had slept in, which was a shirt with a pattern of pugs and dog treats, and stood out of his bed to get dressed for the day.

He peered into his closet and examined the options he had. He usually just spent his money of anime t-shirts or just basically pop culture in general. He had a few outfits that were more aesthetically pleasing and tumblr-esque, so he decided to go with a coordinated outfit for the day, and quickly snatched out a shirt.  
He slipped easily into the plain white shirt, then reached into the depths of his closet to pull out his blue denim jacket that he had purchased back in October. He didn’t think he’d ever use it, but since the weather had been cooling down, it could be a nice change than the normal hoodie he wore with plants that littered the sleeves.

The top half of his outfit took enough brain power, so he just grabbed a pair of normal black jeans to finish if off. He quickly checked himself in the mirror, ran a comb through his hair, and headed to the bathroom so he could stick his contacts in and do the normal ‘brush teeth and wash face’ routine.

Deciding to slip on his shoes later, he figured he’d check on Dan. He’d said he was going to make them breakfast, but it didn’t take this long to fix a bowl of cereal. He softly walked down the hallway of his apartment that led into the lounge area which connected his kitchen. Dan was in the middle of the room with a washcloth feverishly wiping at his shirt. Phil lowered an eyebrow in confusion.

He glanced around the kitchen and his confusion faded. Half of the milk he had bought was now tipped and spilt, a bowl was broken in half, and the floor was littered in crunchy nut cereal. Phil was surprised that his focus on channeling his inner fashion diva had left him oblivious to the obvious loud sound this had most likely made.

“Are you okay?” Phil spoke up, concern for his new roommate now overtaking his thoughts. Dan gasped loudly and turned sharply, clenching the washcloth in his hand. His face was, just like the night before, streaked with tears. 

“I-I...” Dan struggled with the right words to say. Phil waited eagerly, afraid he might have cut himself of the glass of the bowl. Dan swallowed. “Um, I-I’m so sorry, I was m-making the cereal for us, a-and I dropped the milk into the bowl, and the b-bowl broke in half, and the milk spilled and t-then I d-dropped the cereal, and...”

Dan cut off his own words with sobs. Phil was completely taken by surprise in this situation. He was never good with dealing with people who were crying in front of him. He was just awkward and never really knew how to control the situation.

Thankfully, Phil did remember how his brother would speak to him when Phil was younger and would get teased in school. Phil would come home crying his eyes out, and Martyn would just sit with him in his room and talk to him in a soft voice, and then invite him to play Mario Kart.

Huh. Martyn was probably a better brother than Phil gives him credit for.

“Hey,” Phil finally said, approaching Dan. Dan had wrapped one of his arms around his waist, and the other hand was covering his face. Phil bit his lip. Dan wasn’t an eight year old getting bullied in school, so he’d have to do some of the work on his own.

“Dan, look at me.” Dan hesitantly removed his hand and his teary eyes met Phil’s. This action caused Phil’s heart to drop to his stomach. He couldn’t quite figure out what the look in Dan’s eyes was, but he just knew it wasn’t a good emotion. “It’s okay, all right? We can get this cleaned up in no time flat.”  


“B-but, I… I broke one of your bowls. I sp-spilled the milk you b-bought yesterday. All the c-cereal is on the floor...”

Phil shook his head, bending down to grab the box. “Everything can be replaced, Dan. It was an accident. Accidents happen.” 

Dan didn’t seemed convinced. “B-but I’ve… you’ll replace it and spend m-more money because of me. I-it’s my fault.” He furiously began to wipe at the tears  
that kept falling from his eyes. Phil sighed. He sat the box down on the counter beside him.

“Dan, I’m not upset. Like I said, it was an accident. I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re fine. No one’s hurt, it was just a little spill,” Phil gently took the washcloth from Dan’s hands. “I’ll clean up in here, why don’t you go change your shirt?”

“W-what?” Dan’s eyes widened. Thankfully, the eyes had less tears than before. “I-I made the mess, I should...”

“Shh,” Phil shut him up with a smirk. “I can handle it. It was nobody’s fault, yeah? Go change.” Phil gently reached out to comfortingly squeeze Dan’s arm. As he did this, Dan looked down at his arm. Not long after, he looked back up. He inhaled deeply.

“Okay,” he mumbled, beginning to shuffle away from the mess. “Do I, um, just pick out another one of your shirts?”

“Yeah,” Phil responded, already looking for another washcloth to clean up the milk. “You can just throw that shirt in the basket in my room.” When Dan had left the room, Phil stood with his damp washcloth, looking down at the spilled milk. Didn’t his mum once tell him that there was no use in crying over spilled milk when you could be cleaning it up? Was that a metaphor for something?  
………..  
Dan reemerged into the kitchen sporting a Christmas jumper that had Rudolph on it. “Christmas is a couple w-weeks away, I thought it would be, um, appropriate?” Dan pulled at the sleeves, and then backtracked. Again. “U-unless, you don’t want me to wear it? T-that’s fine, I can t-take it...”

“You can wear it, Dan,” Phil smiled at him, emptying the last of the crunchy nut and glass into the trashcan. Then he froze. “What did you say?”

Dan stiffened. He looked back at Phil with a concerned look. “Um… I can take the jumper off if you...”

Phil shook his head. “Before that.”

“Christmas is a couple weeks away, and I thought it would b-be appropriate?”

Frustration wracked Phil’s entire body. He threw his head back and yelled as if he had stubbed his toe. How could he have forgotten about Christmas? He hadn’t bought a single fucking present!

Dan yelped and jumped when Phil had groaned out loud – and very loud. Phil immediately realized he had startled him and quickly straightened up. “Sorry, I just realized how close Christmas is and I still haven’t gotten a single present. Um, I might be going shopping after work.”

Dan visibly relaxed and gave Phil a curt nod. “Um, okay, that’s f-fine. I don’t… I don’t really have any plans for Christmas this year, so I’ll hang around...”  
“You what.”

Phil had to stop accidentally startling his roommate. Dan was already anxious enough. Phil didn’t need to be making Dan think he had done something wrong when he didn’t. Dan’s face paled slightly, and Phil quickly continued. “You don’t have plans this year?”

Dan shook his head. “Not since… um, not since yesterday.”

Phil was a lot of things. One of the things he was included being a big child. Christmas was still his favorite time of year. He looked forward to heading home to his parents’ house and seeing the decorations his dad would put up and watching a bunch of old Christmas movies and exchanging presents on Christmas morning and always getting Martyn a better present than Martyn got him…

Well, actually, Martyn was always the better gift giver. But that was going to change this year.

Or that’s what he told himself two months ago, and then forgot about the holiday until this moment.

Dan had first started communicating with Phil a few months ago. They got along well. But since yesterday, Phil had been slowly learning new things from him.  
And each new thing seemed to break his heart more. But nothing broke his heart like hearing him say he had no plans for Christmas.

Phil wanted to track down Dan’s parents and curse them out. Well, Phil wasn’t very good at threats. Dan’s parents probably wouldn’t be threatened at all. 

Whatever Dan’s parents had done to make them not have a Christmas together was the saddest thing and it pissed Phil off beyond words. But he didn’t want to confront him about it.

So, instead, Phil said, “I get off of work at 4. We’re going Christmas tree shopping together.”

“W-what?” Dan seemed surprise at Phil’s instruction. Not paying his surprise any mind, Phil waved a finger at him. “No arguments, no excuses, we’re going. I’m about to be late for work. Be ready at 4.” 

As Phil left his apartment, he could’ve sworn he had seen a glimpse of the biggest smile he had ever seen on Dan’s face.  
……….  
Each hour that went by was a painful hour. Phil had been tasked with carrying props the entire day. Phil was grateful that most actors and actresses were really nice and not actual dicks. Phil didn’t doubt for a second that there were definitely a few assholes who had let their fame go to their head, but the cast on this show seemed to be really nice and patient.

So even though Phil had been working hard, it was better knowing no one was barking at him the entire time. He didn’t know much about the show, but apparently whatever they had been doing that day required a lot of props. 

Four finally struck by and Phil was able to check out. He almost stopped at the market on his way home, but he remembered the look of excitement on Dan’s face when Phil had left. He could wait until he had Dan with him to do any shopping.

When he finally reached his apartment and opened the door, Dan sat in the lounge. He was now fully dressed – still in the Christmas jumper, but also in a pair of black jeans that he probably swiped from Phil’s collection. He was sat reading some book Phil had purchased quite a while back. Was it a Stephen King book? It was probably a Stephen King book.

When the door opened, Dan looked up and the smile stretched back. “O-oh, you’re back!” He stood up quickly and smoothed out his jumper. “Um, I’m ready! J-just like you asked!” he beamed. Phil smiled back at him, and his eyes lowered to the book Dan had now sat back on the sofa.

“What were you reading?”

Dan followed Phil’s gaze and his grin faltered. He folded his hands nervously. “Um, I-I found it in your room. I didn’t really have a-a lot to do, so I t-thought I’d do some reading? It’s, um, one of your books. Misery. I hope you don’t mind...”

Phil chuckled. “No, I don’t mind. I was just surprised that you were reading that book. It’s quite scary. I didn’t peg you as the type to enjoy scary novels.”  


Dan rocked back and forth on his heels. “N-not typically, I don’t. But, um, it sounded good, so I thought I’d give it a try,” he spoke. “B-besides, i-if I have more nightmares, I could just, um, come back in your room.” Dan offered a nervous laugh, and then took it back. “B-but if you… if last night was just a one time thing, I...”

“Dan, Dan,” Phil cut him off stepping forward to grab his arm. “You don’t have to backtrack everything you say. You’re always welcome in my room.” Phil realized how this sounded, or maybe he just had a dirty mind. Dan didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he didn’t have a dirty mind. “Now, we’ve got a Christmas tree to buy and assemble, and I’ve got to get some gifts too. I’m trying to beat Martyn in the gift-giving game because he always gets me a better gift than I give him. You’ll have to help me.”

“Um, okay,” Dan cocked his head a little to the left, confused. “B-but I don’t really know Martyn, so why would you...” 

“Just make sure I don’t buy a gift because I like it,” Phil laughed. “I have a tendency of doing that. Now, come along. Do you need a jacket?”

Dan crossed his arms. “No, I think the jumper should be enough,” he decided. Phil nodded, and pulled Dan’s arm slightly.

“All right, then. We’re off!”  
……….  
“Okay, Dan. Look around. We’re going to get the best Christmas tree money can buy. It’ll spice up our apartment and get us ready for the Christmas season, even if we’re already late as hell.”

Phil placed his hands on his hips and surveyed the amount of Christmas trees that sprinkled the area. Dan looked around nervously, then back to Phil. “I don’t think, um, I-I could afford...”

“Dan, don’t be silly,” Phil waved him off. “I’ll pay for the entire thing, don’t worry your pretty head about it. Let’s go, we’re already late. We have to make sure we find a really good one.” Dan watched Phil start heading forward and then hesitantly followed him, eying the trees that they passed.

“Shouldn’t we buy p-presents first, Phil?” Dan asked. Phil realized Dan hadn’t spoken his name very often. He quite liked it when Dan said it. He never really thought much about it, except when he would get teased in school for having a ‘Grandpa name.’  
Kids were cruel.

“Probably!” Phil cheered with his arms extended. “But I, Philip Lester, am the king of bad decisions!” he spun around to face Dan and began walking backwards. “We’ll figure it out, but this is the first thing I want...”

“Phil, stop…!” Dan’s eyes widened and he reached out one of his arms, startled.

He had run into a tree.

Of course he did.

Upon contact, he stumbled and then spun around to catch the tree before it fell over. It smacked him in the face, and the bristles brushed against his nose making him want to literally puke. He caught it, though, and the tree rested in his arms. He looked over at Dan. “I think this one chose us.”

“I-I think you p-pushed it to us,” Dan joked under his breath, earning a giggle from Phil. “Perhaps. Do you like it?” He straightened it up. It came to Phil’s shoulders, so it wasn’t too outrageously tall, but it wasn’t super small that he would be sad. 

Dan walked forward and stood beside him, observing the tree carefully. “I-I do. And I think it’s appropriate s-since you almost killed it.”

“I didn’t almost kill it!” Phil scoffed with a sneer, rubbing his hands over the bristles. “I just nudged it, okay? Don’t be dramatic.”

He looked over the tree once more, picturing how it would look in the apartment. He tried to figure out where in the lounge it would look best. Should they put it in a corner, or would it be better in a different area? Behind him, he heard Dan sniffle. 

Phil closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. If he made Dan fucking cry because of his reaction to Dan’s joke, he was going to punch himself in the face. He had to learn to think before he reacted.

“Dan...”

“I-I was joking, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” Dan was sobbing. Again. And it was Phil’s fault. He was such an asshole. He turned around quickly to try and fix the situation. 

“Dan, hey, I know you were joking, I’m sorry,” he hesitantly approached Dan again and grabbed his arm like he did earlier when Dan cried over the cereal and milk. “My brother teases me like that sometimes, and I responded like I would respond to him.” Dan raised his hand to wipe the tears falling from his face. Phil felt like the biggest douche in the world. He knew how anxious Dan was. He knew he had been having a rough time, even if he didn’t know why. He should be gentle with him.

“I’m not mad, Dan,” Phil tried again to reassure him. “Can I hug you to show you I’m not mad?” Phil didn’t feel like it was a good idea to randomly hug someone when they were crying, especially since he hadn’t known Dan very long and didn’t know how he’d react to physical contact. He figured it would be best to ask permission. 

Dan’s teary eyes locked with Phil’s and he nodded. Phil quickly wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pulled him close.

In turn, Dan’s arms laced around Phil’s neck and he buried his face into Phil’s shoulder. When he realized Dan was still crying, Phil literally wanted to throw himself off a cliff. Instead, he just squeezed the younger man tighter and trailed his fingers soothingly up and down Dan’s back.

The two stood in the embrace in silence. Dan’s sobbing had stopped, but Phil could tell from the wetness on his shoulder that Dan was still in tears. Eventually, Dan said, “I’m sorry.” His voice was muffled from the cloth of Phil’s jacket.

“What? Why are you apologizing?” Phil softly asked. Dan pulled away from the hug, but Phil moved his arms and resumed his grip on Dan’s arm. Dan used his opposite hand to wipe more tears from his face. 

“I’m such a mess,” Dan shook his head and swallowed. “I’ve j-just had the worst w-week of my life… well, maybe the s-second worst. I-I’m crying over me being s-sensitive because of a f-fucking joke. You didn’t have to stand here and hug me until I c-calmed down. You could’ve just w-walked away.”

“But it was my fault you were upset, anyway. Even if it wasn’t, I’d still be here. Besides, your feelings are valid, Dan. No matter how small it may seem to anyone else, if it’s hurting you, you have a right to cry and break.” Phil sincerely hoped his words were somewhat comforting to him. Dan seemed to take in his words. Tears had stopped falling, at least.

“T-thank you,” Dan mumbled, almost embarrassed. Phil squeezed his arm in response.

“No thanks needed. I’m sorry I made you cry.” Phil genuinely replied. He released his grip on Dan’s arm and turned back to the tree. “Shall we make our purchase?” Dan nodded silently, but when Phil looked over, he noticed Dan’s lips were pursed in a small smile. Hopefully Dan’s excitement wasn’t too ruined. 

“It’s a nice tree,” Dan whispered. “Do we have decorations? That u-used to be my favorite p-part of Christmas, decorating the tree.”

Phil stared straight ahead as if he was looking into a camera. Like on the Office.

They needed decorations. And they were about to be carrying this tree home.

Wait, how were they going to carry this tree back to their apartment? They couldn’t carry this thing and walk all the way back.

Did Phil ever think anything through?  
………  
Martyn laughed when Phil phoned him and told him about their dilemma. Phil scoffed as he heard the laugh from the opposite line. “Mar, it’s not funny!”

“It’s kind of funny.”

“It is kind of f-funny,” Dan mumbled, just loud enough for Phil to hear. As Phil looked at Dan beside him, he oddly felt his annoyance fade and he felt… soft. And warm. He chuckled and shook his head. Maybe it was kind of funny.

Martyn finally stopped laughing and decided he should probably help his younger brother and his roommate out of this situation. “Okay, bro. I’ll drive over and we’ll strap the tree in my car. I’ll even bring over some decorations Corny and I aren’t using. Sound good?”

Phil exhaled in relief. “Yes, great, thanks, Martyn. You’re the best.”

“You could stand to tell me that more often.”

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Phil rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“See ya.”

Phil lowered the phone when Martyn had hung up and locked it back. He slid the phone into his pocket and shot Dan a smile. “He’s going to come through for us. We just gotta sit tight and be patient.” Dan gave him a curt nod and crossed his arms loosely over his chest. 

“He’s, um, Martyn’s a r-reliable person, isn’t he?”

The statement had definitely caught Phil off guard. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began rocking back and forth as he thought of a response. “Sure, he is. He’s my brother,” Phil shrugged. “I guess some siblings aren’t really… there for each other. Martyn always is. Even if he’s a pain sometimes...” Phil sighed. 

He was reminded of the thought he had earlier in the day. Martyn really was a better brother than he gave him credit for.

Dan was silent for a second. His eyes were glued to the ground. It almost seemed as though he wasn’t really having a conversation with Phil. It almost seemed like he a was conversing with himself? Someone else? Something else? In another universe?

Eventually, Dan looked up. “I lied.”

“Hmm?” Well, the topic of discussion had suddenly changed. Phil wasn’t sure what he was expecting Dan to do or say. This was strange. “About what?”  
Dan’s face scrunched up. “W-well, maybe not entirely. A-about, um, w-when you asked if I had any siblings. I, um, didn’t technically lie, but I-I didn’t give you the whole truth.”

Phil was confused. He remembered what Dan had told him when he had asked if Dan had any siblings. Dan said he didn’t. Of course, he spaced out and seemed like the question brought him actual pain. But Phil didn’t want to pry. 

But now Dan’s explaining was confusing him further. He didn’t technically lie? He didn’t give him the whole truth? Either he had siblings, or he didn’t, right?

“What do you mean?” Phil wasn’t smart enough to decode this himself. He had a degree, but they didn’t teach him in university how to figure out when someone is being cryptic and you can’t understand them.

Dan, once again, fell silent. His gaze fell back to the ground and he began lightly kicking at a rock. Minutes passed between them. Dan didn’t say a word. Phil wanted to scream. He wanted to ask Dan if he had siblings or if he didn’t have siblings. But he didn’t want to make Dan uncomfortable. The question already seemed to make him uneasy, to say the least. So the two just stood in silence. 

Eventually, headlights were flashed their way. Phil looked up and recognized the vehicle of his brother. Martyn’s prized blue Mercedes-Benz that he had purchased, in full, just last year. Phil didn’t need to be reminded that Martyn was doing very well for himself. Dan, however, was surprised.

“N-nice car,” Dan commented as it pulled up beside them. The windows rolled down and Martyn swung his arm out, eying the two of them.

“So where’s this tree?”

Phil gestured to the tree that still stood tall beside them. “I’ve already bought it, but I didn’t have anywhere to put it, so they just… took my money and left it here.”

Martyn opened the door of his car and took off his sunglasses. “Professional,” he spoke with a laugh. Despite being the older brother, Phil was still taller than Martyn by a few inches. It was the only thing Phil really had against him. 

With Martyn’s help, Phil was able to get the tree into the trunk of Martyn’s car. He was thankful that the trunk was bigger than it appeared to be from the outside. As they began strapping it securely so it wouldn’t be damaged, Dan tentatively approached, peering inside. “Um, I feel like I’m not being very helpful… i-is there something I can do?”

Martyn took a few steps back and rubbed at his forehead. “Uh… could you help Phil strap in that side? It still looks loose.” Phil wasn’t struggling too hard. He had the strap and he was tugging it and all. It just wasn’t clicking. Not his fault.

At the request, Dan brightened up and joined Phil. His hands caressed the strap gently, and he moved his right hand down to the clip. “Um, if you pull, I could attach it?”

Phil silently nodded in agreement and gave the strap one last tug, and just like he said, Dan attached the clip. The tree was now perfectly stable in Martyn’s trunk. Phil could breathe easier now. He reached up and pulled the trunk close. It shut with a “thunk”.

“That wasn’t too hard, was it? It worked itself out pretty quick when Howell straightened it out for you.” Martyn nudged Phil’s shoulder as he walked past him when he headed towards the driver’s side of the car. Phil rolled his eyes.

“I would’ve done it on my own. Dan just made it go by faster, is all.”

“H-how did he know my last name?”

Ignoring both statements from the two of them, Martyn opened his car door and leaned against it gently. “You two make a good team, hmm? Really good. Is there something here maybe I should know about?”

“Martyn, if you don’t stop right there, Dan and I are walking home.”

“Ooh, together?”

“Goodbye, Martyn.” Phil grabbed Dan’s arm and spun him around. Martyn scoffed from behind them. “Oh, come on, lads. Get in the car, I’m not letting you walk home while I’m already here.”

Phil crossed his arms and turned back to his brother. “You’re not going to stay anything stupid, are you?”  


“Depends. Just get in the car.”  
………  
Martyn managed to control his comments. Phil was grateful. He wasn’t sure how Dan would feel about them. He knew how his brother could be, and he didn’t want him to frighten Dan in any way. He was slowly beginning to open up. 

Phil would be lying if the whole sibling thing wasn’t still on his mind. It was. But he was too scared and weary to ask.

When they got home, Martyn offered to help put the tree up in the apartment. Phil declined, not wanting to have his brother do anymore work for him. He insisted that he and Dan had it from there. Eventually, Martyn accepted this. So Dan and Phil got the tree out of the trunk (which probably took a good ten minutes), and they managed to make it up four stories carrying the tree. On the stairs. Dan was also toggling a box of ornaments in his left arm. His right arm was hooked underneath the base of the tree. Phil was in the front, both hands gripping the trunk with all the strength he had in him.

Phil was exhausted. Dan must have been too, but he seemed to be too determined to show it. By the time they got up to the third story, Phil was already regretting his decision to tell Martyn to head home. 

They made it, though. Phil carefully removed one of his hands as Dan leaned against the wall and used to wall to help support the tree’s weight. Phil dug into his pockets and took out his key. Within seconds, the door was unlocked and the two of them were sliding the tree into the door. Carefully. Slowly. Gently.  
At long last, they had made it. Phil heaved a sigh when they entered their apartment. They were alive. 

Somehow. 

“Dan,” Phil breathed. “I have a basin to put this thing in. It’s in my closet. Could you grab it? I’ll try to keep this balanced.” Trying to keep his word, Phil pulled the tree closer to him. The tree was something like, five foot seven? He could manage it. It wasn’t taller than him.

Dan left the room without a word to retrieve the basin Phil requested. Phil looked around the lounge, deciding where the best place to put the tree would be. There were a few good options. The corner next to the television looked the best.

He and Dan could watch Christmas specials on the sofa, drinking hot chocolate, and the tree would be in perfect view.

Huh. He was becoming more of a cheesy person each day. He didn’t even like cheese.

Dan eventually returned, balancing the basin. He had already filled it with water? He wasn’t gone for that long.

“I-I thought I’d do something useful, f-for once,” Dan spoke. “Where do you, um, want it?”

Phil gave Dan verbal instructions on where to place the giant pot. If Phil had known how much hard work this tree was going to take, he would’ve gotten a fake tree. Why didn’t he get a fake tree? Did he want to be cool? 

Practically six years later, the tree was inside the large basin, standing tall. Phil fluffed out the stems and took a step back. He admired it with a smile. “We didn’t do too bad. Not sure if we did it right. Probably not. I hope it lives to see Christmas. We might forget to water it. But we didn’t do too bad.”

“I think I have t-three splinters, but it was w-worth it,” Dan agreed. “I’m, um, really tired now, though.” On cue, Phil yawned and stretched his arms out. 

“Jesus, me too. I’m gonna take a nap on the sofa and we can decorate it when I wake up.” He took a couple of steps toward the sofa and plopped down. “Want to join me?”

Dan’s face immediately turned bright red and his eyes widened in surprise at Phil’s suggestion. “U-uh, the couch is a little s-small, isn’t it?” Phil sat up on his elbows.

“Yeah. I could sleep on one half. You could sleep on the other.”

“Um, I’m not entirely sure that would be very comfortable for either of us.”

Phil shrugged, wrapping an arm around his pillow. “Suit yourself,” he yawned again. His eyes began to slowly flutter, and he heard Dan shuffling back and forth in front of him, before he had fallen asleep to the sound of Dan’s footsteps. He didn’t bother questioning Dan’s actions. He was too tired for that.


	3. Chapter 3

After the amount of work it took the both of them to get their Christmas tree inside their apartment, Phil was certain that taking a nap was the best decision to make immediately after. It was. Phil was very content. 

When his eyes fluttered open, he began to move to sit up, but a crushing weight on his chest kept him still. He looked down and his heart practically imploded. 

Dan. 

Dan was sleeping on him.

Phil had no idea what to do. They’d shared a bed, but they didn’t… like, cuddle or anything like that. Dan’s face was burrowed in his chest and he was breathing softly. Phil could watch his back rise and fall slowly in rhythm to his breathing. One arm was wrapped around Phil (he must have been really asleep for him to not notice this) and the other was hanging off the couch, the hand barely grazing the wooden floor.

He seemed so at peace that Phil didn’t want to wake him up. It’s like when an animal falls asleep on you and your leg is cramping or you have to go to the bathroom but disturbing the poor animal is the worst choice you could make, so you sit and suffer for the sake of the sleepy creature.

So he just sat there, watching Dan sleep, and then he felt incredibly weird and creepy doing that so he just put his head back on the arm of the sofa and stared at the ceiling, doing everything he could to not look at Dan. Because it’s weird to watch someone sleep. 

As he was mentally scolding himself for his stalker-ish mannerisms, he felt Dan stir. Phil felt himself start to panic. He didn’t want Dan to see him awake and question why Phil didn’t do anything, or accuse him of watching him sleep because he was not doing that.

So, without a second thought, he closed his eyes again and made it look like he was still asleep. That was a good choice, right?

There was silence as Phil figured Dan had just woken up and was taking in his surroundings. Then, Phil heard a soft, “S-shit,” and the weight that was laying on him was suddenly lifted, rather quickly. More silence. Then he heard pacing. A series of frequent, “Shit, shit, shit” accompanied the pacing, this time not whispered. Then he heard Dan leave the room.

Phil was now confused. Dan sounded extremely distressed. Phil was alarmed when he noticed Dan sleeping on him, sure, but he was just worried because he’s extremely awkward to this sort of thing and didn’t know how it even happened or how the topic would be confronted when Dan woke up. Dan sounded like he had just accidentally launched a nuclear missile to destroy the entire United Kingdom.

He decided to investigate. So he reopened his eyes and sat up on the couch. He looked around the room. The tree was still alive. He grabbed his phone to check the time. They’d manage to nap for about an hour. Not bad. Phil once took a nap for six hours and woke up confused and frightened.

He finally forced himself to stand up and he walked out of the lounge, looking around for his roommate. He eventually found him in Phil’s room. Phil was beginning to wonder if Dan was going to use his own room.

Dan was sitting on Phil’s bed, rocking back and forth, muttering things to himself. His arms were crossed and his breathing seemed to be a little erratic.  
The door was wide open, so Phil was able to quietly step in. “Um, hey. You okay?”

Dan’s head snapped up. He seemed startled. Like a deer. Or a raccoon that had a flashlight shinned on it. He uncrossed his arms and cleared his throat. “Um, yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Sorry. I… I probably looked insane.”

“You look scared,” Phil slowly spoke. He was being honest. He’d never really seen someone look so afraid, and he and Martyn used to stay up late watching horror movies when they were kids. The time it would take for Martyn to reassure Phil that it was just a movie and no one really died took longer than the actual length of the film itself.

Dan’s shoulders slacked slightly. He clearly didn’t like that Phil had seen him in this state. Phil walked in cautiously, not wanting to offend or frighten him. “Can I sit next to you?” Dan looked at him for a few heartbeats and then nodded. Phil sat down on the bed next to him, the mattress curving inward as he did so. “You, uh, wanna talk about anything?”

Dammit, he was bad at this. He wanted Dan to trust him. It didn’t seem like the younger really had anyone to turn to. But at the same time, he didn’t want to force anything out of him. Opening up takes time for some people. Dan seemed to be one of these people.

He watched as Dan let out a deep sigh. “Did you, um, did you wake up before I did?” Phil hesitated. He figured Dan was extremely freaked out, so he figured he could lie and say he didn’t. But before he could even open his mouth, Dan continued, “I mean, y-you didn’t look like you were asleep. B-but I could be misinterpreting it. You w-were really stiff. And m-most people who are asleep breathe, I think.”

Was he holding his breath? Fucking idiot.

“Dan,” Phil began, “I don’t know why you’re so nervous, but I can tell you that I was fine. You don’t need to worry. I was just confused on when and how you got there.” 

Dan hummed. “I-I was going to sit down next where you were lying on the sofa and r-read something and wait for you to wake up… b-but I guess I dozed off and...” Dan ran a hand through his brown hair. Phil hadn’t really noticed, but he could’ve sworn his hair was curly the night before. It was straight now? Did Dan use his straightener? Or is his hair naturally straight and Phil was losing his mind?

Okay. Phil was getting sidetracked.

“Can I ask a question now?” Phil asked, observing Dan’s behavior to make sure he didn’t overstep any boundaries. Dan nodded. With the permission, Phil asked, “Why did you freak out?”

Part of Phil expected Dan to dodge the question, or respond with something like, “I don’t want to talk about that” and Phil would’ve respected it. Instead, however, Dan answered his question in full. Phil wasn’t sure how Dan would respond to his question, but he didn’t think he would gain this much information.  
“I-it’s kind of, um, related to the same r-reason that I showed up so e-early. Why I d-don’t keep in touch with my parents. W-why I don’t have any plans for Christmas this year.”

Oh, boy. Phil braced himself for the anger that he was going to be feeling. Phil couldn’t imagine Dan doing anything that would cause someone to cancel Christmas plans. Nonetheless, he patiently waited for Dan to continue.

Dan did continue. And Phil wasn’t prepared.

“Um, so y-yesterday,” Dan rubbed the back of his neck. “I… um...”

Phil wasn’t prepared for his phone to ring, and cut Dan off.

“Are you kidding me...” Phil sucked in a breath, looked at the caller ID, slid to answer, and a spew of words he most likely wouldn’t use in front of his mother exhaled from his mouth.

“MARTYN, THERE BETTER BE A GOOD FUCKING REASON YOU’RE CALLING ME RIGHT NOW, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD PIECE OF...”

“Jesus Christ, bro, calm the hell down,” Martyn’s voice pierced into his ear. Phil’s hand that was holding his phone was literally shaking. Yeah, he probably needed to calm down. “I was calling to see if you got the tree figured out, but it seems like I’m interrupting something important. Well, don’t let me be a cock block, Philip. Have fun.” 

“Wait, hold on, it’s not what you...”

The call ended.

Phil lowered the phone and pursed his lips together as he focused on breathing in and out of his nose. Following the unexpected phone call, the silence in the room was brutal. Dan seemed startled, but he was looking at Phil with a concerned expression on his face.

Finally, Phil broke the silence in the room. “I… I am so sorry,” he shook his head. “About… everything that just happened.”

“Does… does he think we’re… um…” Dan’s voice was low. Phil was terrified that he had scared him, and all the trust was now gone. Phil was really bad at this.  
He sighed. “Probably. Honestly, it’s my fault. I was frustrated because you were talking about something really important and he called. It wasn’t really his fault, he didn’t know, and I guess he still doesn’t know...”

“Can you… can you tell him we’re not?” Dan’s voice was now higher pitched, but still soft. He sounded like he was panicking. Phil quickly looked over at him and furrowed his eyebrows. “Hey, I can text him, or call him back. Besides, it’s just Martyn.”

Dan ran a hand over his face. “Sorry, I...I just…” He paused to steady himself. He swallowed, took a few deep breaths, and continued. “The reason I was here yesterday is because I came out to my parents. I-I told them I was gay, I-I mean. Um, I was raised in a very religious household and they… they didn’t like that, so… I-I had to leave.” 

Well, Phil was right about one thing. He was definitely angry. 

So these… these parents kicked Dan out, cut him out of their life, and canceled all Christmas plans because… he was gay? That was it? That was the big mystery? Phil thought that maybe there was some deeper drama, like Dan had a criminal record or something but… just because he was gay?

Dan seemed to notice that Phil wasn’t saying anything, and he started to panic again. He grabbed onto Phil’s arm tightly, staring at him with pleading, pained eyes. “P-please don’t kick me out too! I… I’ve got no where else to go, please… I l-like being your friend, I don’t want...”

“Dan,” Phil breathed gently. “Do you understand how hypocritical it would be for me to kick you out because you’re gay?” Dan didn’t say anything. He had a confused expression on his face. He didn’t get it.

“I’m bi,” Phil confessed, reaching over to grab Dan’s hand gently. Not to pull it off of Phil’s arm, but more as a comforting gesture. “Well, I prefer not to label myself, but I’ve been getting used to just saying ‘bi’ so people don’t get confused, because people are stupid,” Phil chuckled, hoping to relax Dan a little.  
It seemed to work. Dan smiled a bit. “So, I’m not going to kick you out. Honestly, why do you think Martyn’s been making all of the jokes? He likes to get under my skin anytime I make a new friend, doesn’t matter who it is. Last week he was convinced I was having sex with my co-worker, Mark, who is straight and has a girlfriend.”

This time, Dan actually laughed a bit. They were getting somewhere. “You seem to like my stories about Martyn,” Phil said as he cocked his head slightly to the left in a teasing way. “Do you like him more than me?”

“No!” Dan giggled, shaking his head. “No, I barely know him.”

“You don’t have to lie,” Phil sighed, falling down on his bed, facing the ceiling. “Everyone always likes Martyn more than me. It’s a curse.” Dan fell down next to him, tugging at Phil’s shirt fabric.

“No, we were friends first.”

Phil groaned and rolled away from him. “You say that. Then you meet Martyn. Then everyone loves Martyn. He’s funnier than me, he’s smarter than me, he’s definitely richer than me...”

“I think you’re really funny, and smart too!” Dan argued, rolling closer to him. “And you don’t have to worry about Martyn being richer. You’re going to be the best director and you’re going to be making millions of pounds a year! James Cameron who?”

“You have more faith in me than I have in myself,” Phil blinked. “Also, no movie I direct will ever compare to the Titanic.”

“You’ll outsell the Titanic,” Dan continued, propping his head on his hands. Phil remained, although he did stretch his arm out on the bed. “I don’t really feel nervous anymore,” Dan suddenly confessed. Phil turned his head.

“Did you feel nervous before?”

“A little,” Dan said. He pulled at a loose string on the blanket. “I always get nervous and anxious around people I don’t really know very well, or if I’m worried I’m going to ruin everything,” he sighed. “So I stutter and trip over myself and I’m really silent and awkward...”

Phil really waited until now to notice that Dan wasn’t stuttering anymore.

“I think this is the first time someone actually made me less anxious. Back at home, everyone finds a way to fuel my anxiety. I feel happier here.”  
“You’ve been here for two days,” Phil pointed out. How could he have possibly helped Dan this much in two days?

Dan sat up. “I’m not saying that my anxiety or any of my other problems are suddenly cured,” he explained. “I just mean… in a couple of days, you’ve managed to make me feel safer than my own parents ever did in eighteen years. I’m still going to have these problems, but it seems like you calm me down, even if it’s just a little or if it’s just the one moment.”

Phil thought back to when he was younger, when he was going to school. He remembered being bullied every single day, and every time it seemed like it was something new that was wrong with him. He remembered Martyn being there for him every single time. Dan must have not had that kind of support. Phil frowned. What would he have done if Martyn wasn’t there?

“Have you ever… talked to someone? Like… therapy?” Phil started, and then he backtracked. “I don’t mean to offend or anything, I’ve just heard that sometimes therapy helps. I’m glad I can help you, Dan, but maybe you could go even further if you talked to a professional?”

Dan chuckled lowly. “Even if I could’ve afforded that, my parents probably would’ve just thought it was a waste of money.” He sighed deeply. “I mean, sure, maybe it would be nice. I’ve… probably got a lot of stuff to talk about,” he mumbled.

Everyone struggles in life. Phil knew that. Life wasn’t fair. But the biggest thought in Phil’s mind is that if everyone could try their best to be fair to each other, maybe life could be more tolerable for everyone. Phil propped himself up on his elbows. “Can I say something? And I can't stress the ‘no offense’ part enough.”  
Dan nodded.

“No offense, but your parents sound like the fucking worst.”

Instead of taking offense, Dan laughed. He plopped himself back down on the bed, the mattress bouncing him just slightly. “God, no offense taken. I’m just glad there’s people like you in the world. I hope the people like you outnumber the people like them.”

Phil smiled, studying the genuine happiness in Dan’s face and laugh. He wished for it to stay, and decided right there that he would do everything in his power to make it stay. “Me, too,” he spoke lowly, eyes drifting just slightly. Then, he realized something pretty important with a jolt. “Hey, it’s almost midnight. Do you want to decorate the tree?”

Dan turned his head over towards his roommate and frowned. “Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“Nah, we only film on Sundays through Wednesdays,” Phil informed him. “We get Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays off.” This earned him yet another confused look from Dan.

“That’s… a really weird work schedule,” Dan mumbled, just under his breath. Phil honestly didn’t question it. He liked getting three days out of the week off. Even if literally no other job did that.

So, the weirdness of it didn’t bother Phil. “Yeah. I guess some of the people in charge have things to do on those days. We can decorate the tree and then stay up late watching Christmas movies!” Phil had already jumped off of the bed in excitement. “Come on!”

Dan followed Phil back into the lounge, and they went through the box of decorations Martyn had given them. Fake candy canes (they both decided to go to the store later and get real ones), glass ornaments that were dangerous to keep in a house that Phil lived in, Christmas lights that took twenty minutes to untangle, and other little miscellaneous ornaments.

Once they were finished, they took a step back. Their tree stand that was full of water was already halfway gone and Phil was concerned about the responsibility of watering this thing every day. He’d been known to kill a few houseplants in his life.

Oh, God. They should’ve gotten a fake tree.  
……….  
The two finished the night by watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, an old favorite of Phil’s. Dan said he had never seen it. He claimed after the film was over that the art style frightened him. Phil was offended, but smiled through the pain. 

Dan did say that the story was nice, though. So there was that. 

It was nearly three a.m. after finishing the film, so they decided to turn in for the night. Dan said he was going to sleep in his own room tonight, so he wouldn’t bother Phil anymore. Phil was oddly disappointed. He shook off the confusing disappointment as the two said their goodnights and went off to bed.

Just like the night before, though, the door opened at some point after Phil had fallen asleep. The soft, whispered “Phil” sounded in his ear, Phil rolled over and turned his light on. He saw the tear streaks on Dan’s face and, with a yawn, asked him, “Why did you try to sleep in your own room? You could’ve just...”

“I didn’t want to bother you anymore,” Dan mumbled. “And it’s probably weird to share a bed with someone you don’t know very well, and I thought maybe my nightmares would stop.” He paused. “They didn’t.”

“Do you want to talk about them?” They’d been opening up more. Was Dan ready to start talking about the nightmares? Were they about his dickhead parents?  
Clearly not. Dan shook his head. “Not really. Um, not this one. Could I just...”

Phil gestured next to him. “Sure. Your head was on my chest earlier, I can handle anything at this point.” He stopped. Either he was dirty minded, or that sounded pretty inappropriate. “Sorry. That sounded weird. I think it’s the tiredness. Or maybe just because I’m Phil Lester. Who knows.”

Dan giggled from the other side of the bed. “It’s fine. Goodnight, Phil.”

Another yawn. “Goodnight, Dan.” And he was asleep again.  
………  
Maybe it was worth mentioning that they were living in a two bedroom apartment, and Dan had yet to spend a full night in his own room?

Phil wasn’t angry or upset. Oddly enough, he liked the company Dan gave him. Or maybe he just liked Dan. Platonically. Not that Dan couldn’t be a potential partner for him, he just figured what Dan needed right now was a good friend. If something turned into more later, great. Phil felt weird trying to force a relationship between them when Dan was already fragile enough.

He was just wondering if they should just share a room. Platonically. 

Maybe turn the other room into something cool. Like a gaming room. That could be fun. They could play Mario Kart together! 

Or maybe Dan did want his own room. Phil honestly didn’t know. Dan spends more time in Phil’s room than any other room in the house. Phil wouldn’t mind sharing a room with him. Platonically. Wow. He was even starting to annoy himself. 

It was a little after noon. Dan was still asleep. He kept tossing and turning throughout the night, mumbling and whimpering in his sleep. It didn’t sound like he slept too good. Dan’s tossing and whimpering woke him up a couple times, but he wouldn’t tell him. Dan would just feel guilty, and try to force himself to sleep alone. And Phil hated the idea of Dan in his room, having his nightmares alone. 

Phil was awake, scrolling through twitter with a cup of coffee in his hand. He didn’t bother waking up Dan. He probably could use the sleep, even if it was after noon. Phil once slept until four in the afternoon. Well, not just once. It’s happened on a few occasions. 

Yesterday, Dan really opened up and trusted Phil when he told him about his parents and everything. Was it selfish of Phil to also want Dan to open up and trust Phil with his nightmares? The last thing Phil wanted to do was force him. If Dan didn’t want to talk, then Phil wouldn’t make him talk. But he did worry. Dan had only spent two nights here and he spent both nights crying and in distress.

Phil had known Dan for a few months. But most of that time was online. There was a lot that Dan didn’t tell him that was all coming out in the timespan of two days. Hell, Phil didn’t even know that he went by Dan instead of Daniel until the day they first met in person. He couldn’t help but wonder how much he didn’t know. It worried him.

But why was he worried? He hadn’t known Dan that long. They didn’t meet in person until two days ago. Why was Phil acting this way? Was it Dan’s soft and meek personality? Phil couldn’t figure it out. Why was he acting like Dan was his lover of three years? 

As Phil scrolled through twitter, more invested in his thoughts than what he was reading on his timeline, Dan stirred. He had been lying on his stomach, arms wrapped underneath the pillow he’d been using. He turned to face Phil, rubbing at his face and yawning.

“Hey,” Phil greeted, lowering his phone down and turning his head to face him. Dan stretched, running a hand through his… curly… hair. Phil wasn’t insane! Or did Dan have curly hair yesterday and his hair was never straight? Maybe he was insane.

“Hey,” Dan replied, sitting up in the bed. “What time is it?”

Phil glanced down at his phone. “It’s twelve sixteen,” As soon as he said the word twelve, Dan cringed. 

“I slept past noon…?” He sighed. “I’m disgusting.”

Locking his phone and setting it down on the night stand, Phil readjusted himself so he could fully face Dan in the conversation. “It’s not disgusting to sleep in. Besides, I figured a little extra sleep would be good for you.” He cocked his head a little. “You didn’t sound like you slept very well.”  


Shit. Shit.

Phil just insinuated that Dan had woken him up, several times. He hoped that Dan wouldn’t notice. Of course, he was wrong.

Dan looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh no, did I wake you up? Oh, God, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me...” He put his face into his hands. “I don’t know why I keep having these nightmares, they won’t go away, I...”

Philip Lester, you fucking idiot.

Not knowing what else to do, Phil gently removed Dan’s hands from his face. “Hey. Dan, look at me, okay? I’m not upset, I was just worried, because you sounded like you were having a rough time. I’m not going to force you to talk about anything, but if you ever decide you are open to talking, I’m here to listen. Okay?”

Dan’s brown eyes stared into Phil’s, glistening with unshed tears. Phil held his breath, hoping he wouldn’t cry again. Thankfully, he didn’t. He looked down, then back up, then asked, “Are you sure? That you’re not mad?”

“I’m absolutely positive. I slept just fine, Dan, don’t worry about me. You don’t have to leave or anything. Honestly, if you just want to share a room, that would be fine with me. So don’t think...”

“Really?” 

Phil didn’t realize he just proposed that. Wow. 

“Um, sure. If you want. You seem to like my room more anyway. And it’s nice to have some company, considering every noise scares me, and we live in an apartment complex.” Dan continued to stare at him, as if he hadn’t heard a single word Phil had just said.

“I would… really like that, if you’re being serious and not joking,” the younger uttered, still unsure of Phil’s stance.

In turn, Phil smiled at him. “I’m being completely serious and I’m absolutely not joking,” he told him. “So, do you have anything you want to do today?”

“What do you normally do when you’re not working?” Dan asked. 

Well, this was a question that didn’t require a lot of thought. “Watch Netflix, read something, scroll through social media for about ten minutes before getting bored of that...”

“Can we get a dog?”

Phil was fairly certain those were not among his options. He halted his list. “I don’t normally buy a dog on my days off, Dan.”

“I want a dog,” Dan said, ignoring Phil’s statement. “A cute little puppy. Can we get one? Can we have one here?”

“I’d have to check the lease, but… I’m pretty sure this place is pet friendly,” he replied. “I mean, I think a lot of apartments in this city don’t allow dogs, but if you look enough you can find some.”

“So, can we get a dog?” Dan was dead set on a dog. Why was he wanted a dog so randomly? Phil chuckled and shook his head.

“I don’t know, Dan. Why do you want a dog?”

“Why don’t you want a dog?”

“Why are you assuming I don’t want a dog? Doesn’t everyone want a dog?”

“Exactly! So we can get one, right?”

Phil was now laughing at Dan’s persistency. Dan frowned at him. “Hey! Don’t laugh! I want a dog!” He grabbed Phil’s arm and pulled it rapidly. “You said EVERYONE wants a dog! So we can get one!” Phil tried to stop laughing.

As Dan kept pulling on his arm, Phil finally collected himself so he could respond. “Dan, why did you just randomly declare that you want a dog, at this moment?” Dan stopped pulling on Phi’s arm. He fell back on the bed.

Phil waited on a response. He didn’t get one, so Phil furrowed his eyebrows. Dan had leaned against the wall now, looking sad. Did Phil make him sad again? Why did he keep doing this? What did he even do?

“I had a dog.”

“Hmm?”

“Colin. I had a dog named Colin. My parents have him now. I can’t see him.”

Oh, shit. That was unexpected.

So his parents canceled Christmas plans and they had kept the family dog from him? Because he was gay? Phil wanted to have strong words with these parents.  


Phil found it hard to tell Dan that they couldn’t get a dog. So Phil rubbed at his raven hair and sighed. “I’ll look around, all right? If I find a dog I think we’d like, I’ll let you know.”

“Can we name it Colin?” Dan asked, making Phil feel even worse. Dammit, Dan. Stop making me want to cry because of how soft you are. “Yeah, sure. That’s a great name for a dog.”

Did Phil seriously agree to get a dog?

Of course he did. Realistically, he knew that a lot of thought, preparation, responsibility, and time went into a dog adoption. But he’s always wanted a dog anyway. And you can’t say no to someone who’s sad because he lost his dog.

He wasn’t even entirely sure that they could have a dog in this apartment. He’d have to double check, maybe pay a deposit or something. He’d never owned a dog. Martyn and Cornelia have discussed getting a pet themselves a few times but have never acted on these discussions. 

Then Phil thought about the Christmas tree that he needed to water today. If he was worried about keeping a Christmas tree alive, how was he supposed to keep a dog alive? He pursed his lips together in annoyance with himself. Dan had a dog. He was probably good at keeping things alive.

Maybe. Hopefully.

Phil did want a dog.  
………..  
“Really? That actually sounds pretty fun.”

That night, after spending a day of watching random shows on Netflix, Martyn and Cornelia had FaceTime’d him on his laptop again. They invited him for a special dinner for tomorrow, to celebrate their five year anniversary.

Five years? Phil thought it was longer.

“Are you sure you want us to come?” Phil propped his head on his hand. “It’s an anniversary dinner. Isn’t that something special? And five years is an important milestone.”

Cornelia dismissively waved her hand. “Sure, but we wanted to invite you guys, maybe as a way to get to know Dan better! Besides, it could be like a double date! Martyn’s told me you are pretty close!”

“Of… of course he did,” Phil sighed as Martyn winked at him with a grin. Was that what this was? Martyn trying to set the two of them up? Was Cornelia in on this too? On their anniversary, too? 

As if he knew the conversation was about him, Dan walked in, carrying a few books. Although he didn’t say anything, he was visible to the two on the screen and he earned himself a, “Hi, Dan!” from Cornelia. Dan, startled, nearly dropped the books he was holding but managed to wrangle them in time.

“Um, hello,” Dan meekly responded. He carefully placed the stacks of books on the table next to Phil’s bed. “H-how are you?” Dan hadn’t stuttered in a while. Phil had forgotten that he tended to do that when he was nervous. He turned around to check that he was all right.

Martyn and Cornelia didn’t seem to noice. “We’re great, lad. Trying to convince this roommate of yours to...”

“Martyn...” Phil spun back around. Martyn threw his hands up.

“Chill, dude. I was just going to say that we were trying to convince you to come to our dinner tomorrow, but if you guys already have plans...”

“I’m going to disown you,” Phil mumbled, rubbing at his temples. Don’t get him wrong. Of course Phil cared for and appreciated his brother. But moments like this reminds him why he sometimes refers to Martyn as a pain. 

Dan hesitantly approached the laptop and crouched down. “Um, d-dinner?” he asked, clearly asking for more information. Cornelia took over the camera, not allowing her boyfriend to put Phil in any more awkward positions.

“Martyn and I are celebrating our five year anniversary tomorrow, and we want to invite you guys to accompany us on our dinner!” She turned back to Martyn. “See how easy that was?”

Martyn rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and boring. Where’s the fun in that?”

Deciding that it was best to ignore this, Phil looked over at Dan, concerned. “Does that sound okay to you?” He lowered his voice. “If… if you’re not comfortable, we don’t...”

“No,” Dan suddenly spoke up, looking directly at Phil. “I… I’d like to go. I want...” He paused, and took a deep breath. “I want to get to know your family better. They… they seem l-like good people. I, um, want to be their friend, too.”

“Are you sure?” Phil raised his eyebrows, surprised, but in a good way. He half-expected Dan to not want to go. Martyn had already proven that he didn’t mind embarrassing the two of them. Well, mainly Phil. But Phil was worried some of Martyn’s jokes wouldn’t set well with Dan, and he’d be too nice or nervous to say anything.

“Oi, he said yes, didn’t he, bro?” Martyn interrupted very loudly. Phil exhaled and slowly closed his eyes. He’s a better brother than you give him credit for, he’s a better brother than you give him credit for…

“Great!” Cornelia beamed. “It’s going to be amazing! I can’t wait to see you both!” Phil rubbed the back of his neck nervously, and casted a glance over to Dan, who was tapping his fingers on his hand with a small, polite smile on his face. Phil hoped Dan wasn’t feeling anxious over the situation.

Shortly after, Martyn and Cornelia hung up so they could go to bed. They had an earlier bedtime than Phil did. Probably because they’re better at healthy sleep schedules than Phil was.

Dan left to go take a shower before Phil could ask him if he was okay. Phil bit his lip. He was constantly worried that Martyn would do or say something that made Dan uneasy or something. But he didn’t want to tell Martyn to lay off, because then Martyn would want to know why and Phil couldn’t lie good enough for that.

Phil’s eyes lowered to the blue teddy bear that rested on the bed. Phil frowned. He honestly hadn’t noticed it until now. It was pretty small, Phil could easily wrap a single hand around it. He stood up from his desk chair and carefully picked it up, looking over it.

It had a cute little bow under its chin and an almost creepy smile stitched onto its muzzle. Phil ran his hands over the material. Fluffy.  
He rolled his eyes at himself. What was he expecting?

His fingers brushed against a little tag attached to the bear’s left ear. Phil carefully studied the tag, which had some toy company name on it that Phil didn’t blink twice at. Out of curiosity, he flipped the tag around.

Ryan Howell

The name that Phil didn’t recognize – except for the last name – was written in sharpie in fancy handwriting that reminded him of his Mum’s handwriting. He frowned. That was definitely not Dan’s name.

Now he was more confused than ever. Phil could only assume Dan was related to this person in some way, given they shared the same surname. And he was curious, but afraid. Phil couldn’t just walk up to Dan and say, “Hey, who’s Ryan?” Phil didn’t know what that name could trigger. He didn’t want to put Dan in a situation like that.

But he was perplexed. Who the hell was Ryan Howell?


	4. Chapter 4

Phil didn’t want Dan to know what he had just seen. That wouldn’t be a great confrontation. So he quickly sat the bear back down on the bed, made sure it was exactly how he found it, and rushed back to his chair before Dan came out of the bathroom.

Exactly how many mysteries did this boy have? The asshole parents, the horrible nightmares, and now someone named Ryan Howell? Phil felt like he was watching a mystery series on Netflix. Were they all connected in some way? Were they all separate? Phil leaned back in his chair, deep in thought. Dan had been acting suspicious any time the topic of “siblings” came up. Was Ryan a sibling? Was Ryan the name of Dan’s dad? Maybe his mum? Ryan could be a female name too, right? Who said a woman couldn’t be named Ryan? Who said names are restricted to gender?

Now’s not the time for a revolutionary breakthrough, Phil. Although he could tweet that later.

Maybe Ryan was just the name of the bear. Yeah, that seemed possible, right? Maybe the bear was something Dan owned as a child and named it Ryan. Phil blew a loud raspberry in frustration. All of these options could be possible! This was impossible to decode! Who did he think he was? Sherlock Holmes?

“Um, are you okay?” 

Phil’s heart lurched. He spun around quickly, eyes wide. Dan re-entered the room, wearing a sweater of Phil’s that was covered in foxes and a pair of sweatpants he once bought to use when he went to the gym and then never went to the gym. He could just give those to Dan. He’s probably never going to wear them. 

When did the shower stop? How long had Dan been standing there, staring at him with a look that was a mix of nervousness and confusion. He probably heard Phil’s loud raspberry. Now Phil looked like an idiot. Wonderful.

He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything. Words, goddammit, words! If he didn’t say anything, Dan would definitely know Phil was hiding something. He couldn’t confront Dan about this. At least, not yet. “Um,” he finally stuttered out, “Y-yeah. I just… uh, just… got lost in thought, I guess.”

“Oh,” Dan nodded, walking in so he could sit down on the bed. “What were you thinking about?”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

“Oh, you know...” He nervously laughed, tapping his hands on his legs. Martyn always said he was a bad liar. “Just, um, work stuff.” His voice got lower and lower as he spoke. Why was he so nervous? Why couldn’t he be cool? Calm? Collected? 

Dan watched him for a second, as if he was trying to figure out if he believed him or not. His eccentric behavior was probably not helping Dan’s decision. Eventually, though, Dan said, “Okay. Is everything all right with work?”

_Stop being so concerned, I’m running out of lies!_

“Oh, pssh, yeah. Everything’s great. I was just… thinking… about…” He extended his words to try and give himself more time to come up with a quick lie that would end the discussion. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack. 

Dan frowned at him. Phil’s heart rate increased. Did Dan know he was lying? Was he going to call him out? 

“You know, Phil, you don’t have to lie to me about anything.”

Shit.

“If, you know, you want to talk about something… you’ve been there for me the past couple of days. I could do the same for you. So, if you’re, like, having a hard time at work, you can tell me.”  


A weight was lifted off of Phil’s chest. But then he felt incredibly guilty. Dan thought Phil was going through some tough stuff at work, when he just saw something he felt like he shouldn’t have. The question now was: Should he agree with Dan and act like he was having a terrible struggle at work, or own up to what he had seen?

The first part seemed easier, even with the guilt that came along with it. He hated to lie to him, but he had a feeling Dan didn’t want to be confronted with the “Ryan Howell” situation.

“Oh, um...” Phil swallowed, and pulled his legs onto his chair and close to his chest. “Uh, j-just some coworkers, is all. Higher up people, being jerks, I guess.”  


Literally all of Phil’s coworkers were so nice. He hated this.

In response, Dan’s frown got deeper. “But why would anyone be mean to you? You’re the nicest person I know.”

This was the hardest thing Phil has ever had to do. And he went through all four years of university.

“Not everyone thinks that, I guess,” Phil shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s honestly fine, Dan. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” He stood up and stretched. He had already completed his night routine before Dan had taken his shower. He tried to get in the habit of doing that so Dan wouldn’t feel like Phil was waiting on him. “I’m gonna try and get some sleep.”

As Phil crawled into bed, Dan said, “But I just don’t get it. Everyone just does their jobs, right? So why would they waste time belittling people?”

“Dan,” Phil sighed, pulling the blanket over him. Dan had moved over to the opposite side. “It’s just a few people who think they’re better than everyone. It’s irritating but it’s just life, okay? I’m fine.” He stared up at the ceiling. Damn you, Ryan Howell, whoever you are, for making this so difficult.

Dan’s frown deepened. “But why is it just life? Why can’t people just get along?”

“This is bothering you more than it’s bothering me, Dan. I’m totally okay. People can just be dicks.” Phil shrugged, folding his hands over his abdomen. “I guess it’s a personality trait.”  


This conversation could end here and Phil would be perfectly fine. The amount of lies he was telling was going to make him sick. He couldn’t lie. He rarely lied. Even when he was a child! He couldn’t have been a ‘bad boy’ if he wanted to. 

Dan was silent for a few moments. Phil closed his eyes. Not to sleep, because he couldn’t really sleep on his back. He had to toss and turn and get into a weird stomach/side position to finally be able to doze off. He could sleep on his back, if he was tired enough. Like if he was sleeping on a sofa or something. Normally, though, it didn’t work.

He closed his eyes to try to relax. He hated that he was throwing his coworkers under the bus so he wouldn’t have to tell Dan about a name he saw scribbled on the bear he brought with him. He hated that he was lying to Dan’s face. He deserved better than that. But he didn’t want to lose Dan’s trust. He didn’t want to bring anything up that would frighten him or bring up unwanted memories. He just wanted Dan to feel safe.

Dan was still silent. But he heard shuffling, so he opened his eyes and turned his head to find Dan moving closer to him. To his surprise, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and rested his head gently on Phil’s shoulder. “You’re a good person, Phil,” he mumbled, as though he was moments from going to sleep.

This… this was a new development in the Dan Howell saga.

Phil’s breath caught in his throat. He tried to say something – anything – but he couldn’t think of anything to say. Not wanting to make Dan feel like he had made a mistake, Phil slowly raised his own arm and awkwardly rested his hand on Dan’s shoulder. He fought back a wince. He’d never shared a bed with anyone except Martyn, and with the exception of when they were really young kids, they definitely didn’t cuddle this intensely.

Dan didn’t seem to pay the awkwardness any mind. In fact, Phil was pretty sure Dan had fallen asleep.

Now he was faced with the cute-animal-falls-asleep-on-you crisis. 

He could sleep on his back. It was possible. He could pretend he was on a sofa. He’d be fine.  
……….  
It actually didn’t take Phil very long to fall asleep. He fell asleep to the sound of Dan’s breathing against him. That might’ve been creepy, but at least he wasn’t watching him sleep. Because he didn’t do that.

When his eyes fluttered open, sunlight was pouring onto his face. He blinked rapidly and lazily raised a hand to rub at his eyes. He was now on his side, which was weird, since he had fallen asleep on his back, with Dan on his… shoulder…

Dan was still close to him. But now Dan was also laying on his side. In front of him. Phil’s arm was wrapped loosely around Dan’s waist. Dear God, they were spooning. They were literally spooning. When did this happen? How did his happen and why didn’t he remember it? Dan was still sound asleep, but Phil felt his face heat up anyway. 

It shouldn’t have been that alarming. Phil literally fell asleep with Dan on top of him.

He was so thankful he didn’t say that out loud.

Careful so Dan wouldn’t wake up, Phil retracted his arm and inched a little further from the younger. Then, as quietly as he could, sat himself up so he could get off of the bed. Quietly. And carefully. While holding his breath because any time he doesn’t want Dan to notice him, he holds his breath. Brilliant.

He grabbed his phone to check the time. Nearly one in the afternoon. He sighed. He had this habit of sleeping through the entire morning when he didn’t have work. It was refreshing.  


He scrolled through some notifications and some texts, and ran a hand through his messy raven hair. It honestly took him ten seconds to scroll through all of his notifications. He had a couple texts from some friends and coworkers, and one twitter notification that Brendon Urie had tweeted.

Ah, Brendon Urie. What a man.

Before he could continue thinking about Brendon’s face, voice, and personality, Dan had woken up. Aggressively. As if someone had screamed into his ear. He jumped, grabbed at the bedsheets, and gasped like he had been underwater for a long time.

Of course, this had startled Phil as well. He jumped, clutching his heart too dramatically, and gripped his phone tighter so he wouldn’t drop it. “Hey! You okay?”

Dan’s head snapped toward his direction when he spoke. His eyes were wide and terrified. He looked like he had witnessed a murder. 

“Dan?” Phil spoke again, putting his phone down. “Are you all right?” He sat back down on the bed, observing Dan’s mannerisms closely. Dan’s breathing was heavy, which worried Phil. He appeared to be shaking. Phil’s had some pretty scary nightmares in his life, but he couldn’t recall any nightmares that left him in a state like this.

Dan lowered his head and sat up fully in the bed. His breathing was beginning to slow, and were coming out in long, light breaths. “...Dan?” Phil cautiously spoke again. He reached out to grab Dan’s arm, but Dan quickly snatched his arm away from him. “N-no!” he yelped. Phil’s hand shot back as if it had been burned. Similar to Dan’s arm, actually.

Dan scrambled up and pushed himself slightly further from Phil. “No,” he repeated, softer this time. “I didn’t… I didn’t want…” He lowered his head again, furiously grabbing his hair. “I didn’t want… I… It… wasn’t supposed to...” 

Well, this was a first.

Phil was frozen as he watched Dan. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to help him without making the situation worse? “D-Dan,” he tried to reach out again. Dan didn’t notice. He continued to mumble broken sentences and rock himself back and forth.

Deciding that he had to do something, he inched closer to him, slowly. “Dan, listen to me,” he spoke softly. He decided he shouldn’t engage in any physical contact at the moment. It didn’t go so well last time. “You were just having a nightmare. It’s over now. You’re with me. Phil. You’re with Phil. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Phil wasn’t sure if he was doing any good. He was just saying what he felt would be comforting. Dan stopped rocking, but his head was still low and his fingers were still gripping at his hair, although the grip was loosened. “It’s me, Phil,” he said again, inching closer, but still respecting Dan’s personal space.

“Ph… Phil?” Dan finally raised his head and lowered his hands. His eyes were bloodshot, and tears were streaming from the reddened eyes. Phil inhaled sharply. “It’s me, Phil,” he repeated. Dan stared directly at Phil, their eyes connected. Phil wished he knew what Dan was thinking. Phil wished he knew of every demon that was tormenting him.

But most of all, he wished he knew how to get rid of them.

Dan’s stiff shoulders now relaxed. “Phil,” he said again, more steady. With a shaking hand, he slowly reached out and took Phil’s hand in his. Since Dan initiated the contact, Phil squeezed Dan’s hand. “You’re okay now,” Phil said, looking from their intertwined hands back up at Dan.

Phil wondered if all of Dan’s nightmares were the same. He wondered if they were all different, but still connected. He wondered what could’ve made Dan act in this way. His heart broke. He didn’t know how to help him. 

As Phil lowered his gaze, he was suddenly wrapped in the tightest hug he had ever been a part of. Dan had almost lunged at him, and Phil nearly lost his balance as a pair of arms threw themselves around Phil’s neck. Instinctively, he hugged him back, pulling the younger one close to him. He squeezed him tightly, almost afraid that he would slip away.

No words were spoken. Dan wasn’t even crying anymore. They just sat in their embrace. Holding one another. Phil always liked hugs. He decided that Dan’s hugs were now his favorite.

Phil wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting in silence in each other’s arms. It could’ve been minutes, could’ve been hours. Eventually, Dan did pull away. Phil almost didn’t want him to. He wanted to pull him back, ask him to never let go.

But that would be weird. So he didn’t.

Dan breathed in deeply, then fully exhaled. “I’m… I’m so, so sorry, Phil.”

“What?” Phil’s eyebrows lowered. He was… sorry? “Why the hell are you sorry?” He hoped it didn’t come out harsh, but he was just surprised. Dan didn’t think he did anything wrong, did he? Phil should be the one apologizing, for standing there like an idiot for too long.

“I...” Dan swallowed. “I looked completely insane. Maybe I am. I just… these nightmares. I can’t… I can’t really talk about them yet, but...” he trailed off, staring at the wooden floor. “Thank you. For sitting with me. I… I’ve never had someone… sit with me when I get like that.” He looked back up at Phil. “It was nice.”

Did his parents never give him the time of day, even before he came out? 

Phil shook the thought away quickly. Didn’t need to drag his parents into this, now. Not the time. “You don’t have to thank me, Dan. I wasn’t just going to let you sit there and suffer.” He paused. “But… when you want to open up about them...”

“I know, Phil. And I will,” Dan promised. He moved over so he could get off the bed. “Um, what time is it?”

Phil blinked, and reached over to grab his phone where he had left it. Glancing at it, he said, “One thirty five.”

“Where are we eating at tonight?”

Oh, right. The anniversary dinner. Suddenly, Phil felt his stomach turn. He was now more worried than ever about Martyn’s jokes. He wasn’t sure how well Dan would handle them today. “Do you… still want to go?”

“Of course,” Dan quickly dismissed him. “I’m… I’m fine now, Phil. I’ll be okay. Do you know where we’re going?”

After their FaceTime last night, Martyn had texted him the details. It was some fancy restaurant. Phil didn’t typically eat at those places. Not because the food wasn’t great, he was just paranoid that everyone there was judging him since a good portion of the people who go to those restaurants are rich socialites.

“I think it’s called The Ivy, or something,” Phil shrugged. “It’s one of those restaurants that are really fancy and romantic. The food’s not bad, either.”

“Um, how expensive is it?”

Phil strolled over to his closet. They probably needed to dress up. He had a couple nice shirts and jackets in here that would work. “It’s probably up there. But Martyn insisted on paying for everyone, so you don’t need to worry about that.” 

He reached inside and pulled out a couple blazers, and a white button up shirt and a dark blue button up shirt. “Dan, blue or white?”

Dan joined him by the closet and studied both options. “Which one do you want?”

“Hmm, I asked first.”

“I asked second.”

“So? I asked first, so I get an answer first.”

“Yeah, but I’d rather you choose.”

“Well, I’d rather you choose.”

“That sounds like a personal problem.”

Phil lowered the shirts and stared at Dan with a playful smile, but narrowed his eyes. “Are you sassing me?” 

Dan crossed his arms. “Of course not. I just really want you to choose the shirt.”

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

Phil let out a loud sigh. “Okay, fine. I choose the blue one.”

He started to hand Dan the white shirt, but Dan shook his head. “No, I want the blue one.”

“Are you...” Phil couldn’t help but laugh. “Are you joking?”

In response, Dan swiped the blue shirt from Phil’s grip. He gasped. “Hey! Come on now, Howell. You had your chance.”

“The blue one is nicer,” Dan shrugged, turning to leave the room. Where did this sudden personality change come from? And why did Dan just steal one of his shirts? 

“Daaaan,” Phil whined. “You’re gonna wrinkle it!” In response, Dan just laughed at him. Tauntingly. Then he closed himself off in the bathroom to change. Phil looked down at the white shirt, now the only shirt in his hands, and sighed.

He could look fine in white. He was pale enough anyway. Maybe the shirt would blend in with his skin color.

The rest of the time between one thirty and when they had to meet Martyn and Cornelia at the fancy restaurant was spent putting on the nice clothes that Phil rarely wore. He was pretty sure that the last time he properly dressed up was at his university graduation?

He should buy nicer clothes more often.

So Phil found out that he wasn’t in fact crazy about Dan’s hair. Dan had, in fact, been using his straightener to straighten his hair. Dan had come back into the room, blue shirt button up about halfway (Phil tried not to stare too much, that would be weird) and asked Phil for his flat iron.

“Why do you need that?” Phil had asked him. Phil didn’t really straighten his hair too much anymore, he just combed through it and that was that. He had a somewhat fringe that he combed over to the right, so the use of a straightener wasn’t too important to him. He had mostly outgrown his emo scene faze.

Mostly.

Maybe he should get it cut off.

Maybe in a few more years.

Dan gestured to the curly hair that rested on his head. “I need to fix this.”

“Fix what?” Phil pulled out his straightener from one of his drawers. “Your hair looks fine either way, Dan.” He handed it to him. “If you like it better straight, though, be my guest. You look great in either style.”

Did that come across as flirtatious?

No, just a supportive friend.

Dan took the flat iron and looked at it for a moment. Then he left and returned to the bathroom. Phil fought the urge to frown in disappointment. He quite liked Dan’s curly hair. The straight hair was fine, but he looked adorable when it was naturally curly.

Whoa. What was happening to him?

So the time finally came. Both boys looking as dapper as they possibly could, they were ready for this fancy dinner. Phil had struggled to keep his thoughts at bay when he saw Dan in a suit. He looked bloody amazing, but the thoughts were creeping Phil himself out. Dan didn’t need someone lusting after him right now. Supportive friend.

Just a supportive friend.

So they left their apartment. Dan didn’t know where the restaurant was. Phil claimed he did. But he just pulled up the walking directions on his phone. He was professional. 

They walked in silence for the first ten minutes of the walk. Eventually, Dan asked, “Do you know why they want us to come to their anniversary dinner? Isn’t it their day?”

Phil hummed in thought, then replied, “I think they… just wanted to get to know you, I guess?” He shrugged. “That’s the best I’ve got. I’m not entirely sure.” What he didn’t mention was his suspicions that Martyn was trying to play cupid. He had been hoping all day that Martyn wouldn’t make any jokes that would make Dan uncomfortable. 

Dan didn’t seemed worried. He strolled beside Phil nonchalantly, seemingly looking forward to the dinner? Phil couldn’t seem to put his concerns into words. He just kept hoping that Martyn wouldn’t do anything drastic. 

It did still confuse Phil that they would choose their anniversary to try and set the two of them up. It was a five year mark. That was a pretty big deal. Phil still had a feeling maybe there was something he didn’t know about.

The restaurant came into view, and Phil quickly turned his phone on silent and pocketed it. He took a deep breath. “Well, this is it. Now we got to find them.”

“Do we just… go inside?” Dan mumbled, seemingly confused. He rubbed at his arm nervously. “I’ve never… been to a restaurant like this.” Phil sensed his discomfort and gave him an easygoing smile, hoping to relax him.

“I’ve been to a few, but don’t worry, I always feel out of place. At least you’ve got a friend to keep you company.” He looked back at the restaurant. “Uh, yeah. I think we go in.”  


In truth, Phil had never been to one of these places by himself. He was usually with family or friends that usually knew how the place worked. Going by with what he’s seen in memory, he cautiously walked in, looking around at the fancy decorations and fancy outfits and fancy everything.

Phil really felt out of place at these locations.

“Um, table for… Lester?” Phil had approached the person behind the podium. It was a middle aged man with a cute purple bowtie. Phil should go shopping for cute bowties, honestly.

The man looked down at some papers, and Phil hoped that Martyn had already showed up or that the table was under Lester but Phil didn’t know anything. Thankfully, the man nodded seconds later. “Yes, follow me.”

That was easy. Phil could exhale the breath he was holding.

The man led them over to a nice table where Martyn and Cornelia were already sitting, menus in hand and talking to each other about… something. Probably sports or music related or something. Whatever they were talking about, Dan and Phil clearly interrupted them. 

Martyn closed his menu and feigned an annoyed look. “There you nerds are! Do you have any idea how long we’ve been waiting?” 

Cornelia rolled her eyes and scoffed. “We’ve been waiting ten minutes, calm down.” She looked at Dan with a larger than life smile and said, “It’s wonderful to meet you in person, Dan! How are you?”

“Um, I’m wonderful,” Dan gave her a smile in return, but Phil did notice Dan becoming nervous again. They took their seats and Phil opened his menu and raised an eyebrow. Some of the items were a little confusing, just as he had remembered. He looked over at Dan, who was even more confused but was attempting not to show it.

To help him out, Phil leaned over and whispered, “Do you want me to order for you? I can just order the same thing I’m getting. It’ll make it easier, yeah?”

Judging by the relief that instantly flooded Dan’s face, he figured that would be a ‘yes.’

So Phil ended up ordering some pork thing. He knew what it was because he had ordered it before, but he could never really remember the same, so he’d just read it straight off the menu. Slow cooked pork shoulder with spiced lentils. Phil didn’t even know what a lentil was. 

But that was probably his fault.

So Phil ordered for the both of them, and he noticed Dan visibly relax a little. Phil was sure Dan would like it, though. He didn’t really understand it, but it tasted fine. He wasn’t sure the quality of the meal was on Dan’s list of worries. It certainly wasn’t on Phil’s. 

Speaking of Phil’s worries, the fact that Phil had ordered for him did not go unnoticed. Wonderful. 

“Kind of interesting that you placed Dan’s order for him, yeah, little brother?” Martyn had wittily remarked with the smirk he always had. It was infuriating.

Phil leaned back into his chair and rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Martyn.”

As she tended to be the one to save the day, always, Cornelia changed the topic of conversation. “So, Dan. What is it you do for a living?”

Phil was suddenly not leaning into his chair anymore. Any other change of topic would’ve been great.

He noticed Dan pale slightly. Phil had failed to mention to the both of them that Dan was unemployed. He knew Dan was embarrassed about it. He knew that Dan wanted to get a job. He knew. But he also knew that Dan was going through a tough time and didn’t want to rush him.

But that was a lot to explain. So, quickly, Phil thought of a coverup for him. “Dan’s… currently working from home. He, um… writes. For a website. And magazine. Both. At the same time.”  


Fuck. Bad Liar Lester is what his mum should have named him.

Cornelia nodded, however, completely buying the lie. Phil knew Martyn didn’t. He just hoped Martyn didn’t call him out. “How lovely! What do you write?”

If Phil kept speaking for him, it might be more suspicious. So, from underneath the table, Phil reached and grabbed Dan’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Dan, surprised, looked back over at him. Phil nodded discreetly towards Martyn and Cornelia, as his way of saying, you gotta add on to this now, pal.

Dan cleared his throat. “Um, m-mostly poems, sometimes s-short stories, I-I suppose.”

Huh. The lie flowed so easily out of Dan’s mouth. He was better at Phil than this. Cornelia was clearly invested. Martyn just kept looking between Dan and Phil very suspiciously.  


“You should share them with us sometime! I bet they’re wonderful.”

Cornelia is such a sweet lady that it hurts sometimes. 

Phil squeezed Dan’s hand again. Dan squeezed back.

“Um, y-yeah, maybe,” Dan smiled in return. Phil noticed Dan’s nervousness seemed to be easing off. That was good. Hopefully Martyn didn’t say anything to ruin it.

“You were quick to speak up for him, Phil.”

Of course he did.

Their food arrived not too long later, and Phil was actually impressed with the decently fast service. Dan had told Phil that the meal was good, and Phil was happy. Part of him had been afraid Dan would turn out to be a secret vegan or something, and he had literally ordered him pork.

That would have earned him bad friend points.

The four of them continued their conversation, Martyn would make the occasional comment and Phil would roll his eyes and glance over at Dan to make sure the jokes weren’t bothering him. 

They didn’t seem to be. Dan didn’t react much to them, but he didn’t seem uncomfortable. 

Then, surprising everyone at the table (but no one more than Phil), Dan asked Martyn a question. “Phil said that you have a very important job. What is it that you do, exactly?”

Phil fought the urge to be proud. 

Martyn took a sip from his wine glass and answered, “I’m an executive chairman in a merchandising business. I’ve been after the CEO spot for a while, but I think I’m getting closer to it. We basically handle different types of merch for several different acts.” 

He looked over at Cornelia. “Corny works there, too. It’s how we met, actually.”

Cornelia, finished with her wine, sat with the empty glass in her hand. “I had a job I was frustrated with, so I left and was employed at where we work now, five and a half years ago. I’m a supervisor now. It’s not as great as executive chairman here, but it’s a decent position.”

“Mmm, future CEO, love,” Martyn corrected her, taking a bite of his food. 

Cornelia shook her head. “You’re still egotistical, you know.” She chuckled, sitting her glass down. “I always wanted to be a singer. Never worked out like I had hoped. Marketing is pretty cool, I suppose.”

Dan perked up. “Oh, you’re a singer?” Phil noticed that Dan hadn’t stuttered in a while. He was asking questions, too. Phil couldn’t help it anymore. He was proud.

The redhead sighed at Dan’s question. “I love to sing. I’ve been passionate about music ever since I was a little girl. But it just… never took off. Maybe one day.”

Phil had always been annoyed that Cornelia’s music career never got as big as he felt it deserved. Martyn had worked with her before. The music business is basically like the Hunger Games. They’d discussed starting their own label, but Martyn was so invested in his work that Cornelia never wanted to take that from him.

It was still annoying, though.

They continued with their conversation, but Phil had noticed that Martyn was acting out of character. He wasn’t making anymore witty remarks, and he kept glancing around the restaurant, almost anxiously. 

That was weird. Martyn wasn’t typically an anxious person. 

Cornelia and Dan were invested in a conversation about music. Phil had remembered that Dan was also passionate about music. Their first conversation was about music, when the two discovered their similar interests in bands and artists. It was one of the main reasons Phil had wanted to roommate with him.

Phil had been listening to the both of them, but ever so often he would glance over at his brother. Martyn didn’t even appear to be pretending to listen. Phil couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. It felt like when a show suddenly changes writers and the characters start doing things they normally wouldn’t do.

Maybe that was a nerdy comparison.

As Dan and Cornelia were discussing some artist that was apparently really popular in the 1990s, Martyn suddenly intervened, clearing his throat. “Hey, Cornelia, I need to talk to you.”  
Surprised, Cornelia looked over at him. “Oh, is it important? Should we step away?”

“No, I… this is actually why I wanted them here.”

Phil was now extremely alarmed. What was he about to do? His heart rate quickened. Please don’t do anything stupid, Martyn. Please.

Cornelia seemed just as alarmed. So this was news to her as well? “What? What do you mean?” Phil would also like to know what he meant. Phil was concerned. Phil was scared.

He watched as his brother took a deep breath. “I thought about having this… conversation at Christmas, but I just felt compelled to just do it now. I’m normally very laid-back and easygoing. I don’t overthink things. I don’t dwell on things too much, but… I don’t know. Five years ago, I think… I think you might have changed that. I overthink and want everything to be perfect. I dwell on things for months and months because… because of you. Because I really think you’ve changed me. You’ve changed my outlook on life. You’ve changed my approach to different projects or issues that I’m presented with.” 

Martyn paused. Phil was unsure what this speech was leading to. He was wondering if he should even be here.

Cornelia’s voice suddenly spoke, voice low and just barely above a whisper. “Are you… breaking up with me?”

“W-what?” Martyn’s eyes widened and his entire body convulsed, completely taken aback by those words. “God, no! I’m doing the exact opposite! I’m asking you to marry me!”

Phil was grateful he had already finished his food. Or he would have choked. 

Even now, though, he choked on air. 

Cornelia didn’t really give a proper reaction. She stiffened, and Martyn cringed. “Wait, no. I wasn’t supposed to ask like that. Hang on. I’ve got a…” Martyn opened his suit jacket and fumbled with one of the suit pockets.

At least, that’s what Phil was assuming was happening. He was so shocked that his vision was kind of blurred.

Martyn finally pulled out a small, velvet box. “Okay, okay. I’ve got it now. Okay.” He stood from his chair, did the traditional down-on-one-knee stance, facing Cornelia, and asked, “Okay. Will you marry me?”

Phil didn’t think Cornelia would say no. He was just barely listening at this point. Dan shook his shoulder to make sure he was still alive. 

Cornelia nodded her head ‘yes,’ which wasn’t a surprise. Dan shook Phil’s shoulder again. Phil looked over at Dan. “Did Martyn just propose?”

“Yes.” Dan nodded.

“And Cornelia said yes?”

“Yes,” Dan nodded again.

Phil looked back at the now engaged couple, wrapped in an embrace that they didn’t do very often. Phil looked back at Dan. “Maybe this is why we were wanted here.”

Once more, Dan nodded.  
……….  
The initial shock of the proposal eventually wore off. Dan and Phil extended their congratulations, Martyn and Phil shared a hug, and Martyn asked Phil to be his best man. Phil accepted and he really didn’t cry.

He didn’t cry until later, of course. On the way home. Dan held onto his arm to make sure he didn’t go into hysterics and fall over. Phil wasn’t always an emotional person. But sometimes he was. It was like a split personality, kind of.

Or maybe that was just a bullshit excuse for Phil to pretend he wasn’t an emotional person when he was really the biggest crybaby he knew.

So they returned home, changed out of their fancy clothes, and started getting ready for bed. Or maybe Phil was the tired one. He was hit in the face with the biggest surprise of his life and then spent the entire walk home crying his eyes out. 

Phil took a shower, but he spent most of it just standing and staring at the wall, contemplating how life was fleeting and his brother was getting married and Phil could possibly be getting married within the next ten years and then everyone was going to die.

How did a marriage proposal get him so existential?

So now Phil was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling this time. Dan had left to brush his teeth, so Phil waited on his return, staring at the ceiling.

Maybe he wasn’t good with surprises. That was probably the issue.

It only took a few minutes for Dan to return. He carefully climbed into the bed, looked down at Phil and nervously asked, “Um, can I…?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Phil spoke without hesitation, opening his arms. Dan blinked at him, confused. “I was going to ask if I could, uh, put my bear in the bed with us...” he held up the bear in his hand. The same bear that held secrets Phil was afraid he would never know.

Huh. Maybe Dan hadn’t been sleeping with it. Maybe he just had it in the room? Phil honestly hadn’t notice.

But that wasn’t Phil primary concern. He lowered his arms, face already heating up. Blushing wasn’t a good thing when you were pale. “Um, right, I knew… that… yeah… sure...”

Dan stared down at him, then he giggled. He shifted his head to the left. “Well, maybe you’re the only bear I need,” he joked in a teasing tone.

Phil knew he was teasing. But the semi-flirtatious comment didn’t help with Phil’s blush. He grunted, “I don’t even like bears. I like lions.”

“You can be the lion, then,” Dan decided, laying down next to him. 

Phil snorted. “I guess you can be the bear. The lion and the bear.”

Dan laughed. “I kind of like that. Let’s write our own series of children’s books.” He rolled over to face Phil. “Can I cuddle against you, though? It… it helps me sleep.”

It was comforting that that is what Dan wanted in the end. So Phil opened his arms again and Dan slid into them, resting his head gently on Phil’s shoulder, just like they had the night previous. Phil was starting to get used to sleeping on his back.

Dan yawned. “Goodnight, lion,” he mumbled. Phil couldn’t help but chuckle. Maybe that was their new nicknames for each other.

“Goodnight, bear.” Might as well retaliate. It was kind of cute.

They were just platonic and supportive friends. Even Phil had to keep reminding himself. Cuddling in a bed they shared and giving each other nicknames was totally platonic and it was just a supportive friendship.

Phil closed his eyes. He knew he couldn’t deny it. 

It was much more than that for Phil. Phil wanted to be much more than a platonic friend. But he didn’t want to take advantage of Dan like that, not when Dan was so vulnerable and fragile. So he just had to keep pushing the idea of “platonic” and “a supportive friend” to himself. 

So even though he wanted to be more, just being Dan’s friend made Phil happy. And he didn’t want to ruin that.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm from America and I've never been to Europe or any other country so I'm trying to get everything correct so please forgive me if I get something wrong while I'm writing a story set in Britain.
> 
> Hope this was enjoyable! Thank you for reading! More chapters will hopefully come soon if anyone is interested.


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